See, I'm still hip*!

The other day my friend was making fun of me for being boring since I settled down with The Klapper and tried to just focus on getting out of Hanover.

So to her I will say that Friday night I went to a party with a bunch of super fun, but random people, and ended up dancing around in a little black thong and the tiniest push-up bra I happened to be wearing.

Do I have the body to be showing off such goods in public right now? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But am I still hip? You better believe it :)

*Author's Note: I think hip means stupid....and making bad choices. Right?

A year later....

Oh hello blog audience. So I got home late tonight, wasn't ready to go to bed, and was reminded that I do in fact have a blog. And I've been thinking lately that I might enjoy blogging again as a lot in my life is going to be changing soon..so let's give this another shot.

Some highlights for those of you following at home:

1. I went to Asia! This past August I had an amazing 2 week trip through Thailand and Vietnam. It was amazing, I look forward to going back to Vietnam in the future (less so Thailand), and aside from the flight home representing the 3rd worst 48 hour period in my life, the trip was purely magical.

2. Oh who did I go with? The Klapper! We are still going strong (despite doing long distance), very much in love after 2 years (far more in love now than say..ever before), and I like to think we are both each others biggest supporters. Go love!

3. I might actually finish this crazy Ph.D. thing.  My concerns 1.5 years ago that my adviser would end up leaving when she came up for tenure was spot-on, so I am super happy that I planned ahead to make a 4 year exit possible. Not EASY, but possible. And at some point along the way I maybe even started feeling like I have the hang of this neuroscience thing..or at least, I understand that everything I am doing is wrong, but I at least understand what I am doing. (Note: I am still in full panic mode re: dissertation, but I am told that is normal).

4. So where am I going? Oh..I don't know..only the GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD. This bitch is NYC bound and super excited about a post-doctoral position at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. I will be using neuroimaging to investigate why children are depressed and how we can make it better, as well as issues related to OCD and Tourette's Syndrome. Exciting! Like..seriously..exciting. It was the only job I applied for because I knew it was perfect the moment I saw it, and I'm so surprised (and anxious) that something seemed to work out for once.

It is for these reasons that I think I might actually have something to blog about over the next few years. I think I will manage to find lots of strange and novel experiences living in Manhattan, EVEN with a boyfriend, and I can't wait to reconnect with the friends I have there.

But I will say there is a part of me that is sad that I won't be returning to D.C. That city still holds my heart, and there are so many people there that I love (though thankfully, no longer Mr. Big..I mean..I will always love him blah blah but I'm not IN Love stomach torn into knots about him anymore). But on the plus side, I expect a lot of cheap shitty bus trips to D.C. to see the new homes, puppies and babies that will soon be associated with everyone there.

So with a renewed bounce in my step, I reassert my silly and grammatically poor opinions upon the interwebs.

Shitty

So I haven't posted in forever, I just haven't really felt like it. I think part of the issue is that I don't have anything exciting to talk about (and comeon, nobody wants to hear about a romantic weekend with The Klapper), and the other issue is that everything just kinda sucks, and that makes me not really want to write about it.

So in the win column, The Klapper has been great. We've spent a lot more time together, we talk everyday, I'm spending a lot more time with his friends who love me, and we're starting to talk about longer-term type stuff (like, not 5 years from now, but at least talking about the summer and stuff, which is progress). I'm also excited about upcoming trips to Boston in Chicago this month :)

In the loss column...everything else? That giant grant I submitted got rejected for administrative reasons so I never even got feedback. I submitted a paper in November and still haven't heard anything. Adviser still sucks and I'm realizing how much I would like to have a real mentor who could help me get my career on track and really focus my ideas with some guidance. Not to mention someone who has money so I could run some studies. I'm running tons of studies and feel like nothing is working out. And in general I just have no idea what I want to do with my life (I know, join the club, I know) - this whole experience at Dartmouth makes me feel like academia might just not be worth it, but I can't tell if that is just because I'm so miserable here. I'm also trying to figure out if I should focus on trying to get a job in D.C. where I have tons of connections, or in NYC where I might have a chance to make something work with The Klapper.

And finally, ya know...the people here just suck. Or at least, they all seem very happy and like these are people they want to be friends with for the rest of their life, and I feel like a total outsider. I think it's at the point where I would rather just stay home on a Friday night than be out with people who I feel like don't like me and don't get me. Everyone is so excited about St. Patrick's Day here, and I just can't even get my mind around it - it's drinking at the same bar, with the same people, telling the same stories - what is exciting about this?!? I'm running away to Boston, but I know that I can't run away for the next year, and I also know that the few good friends and social support people I have here will be leaving. I just am really dreading everything right now.

So yeah, that is why I haven't been posting. Maybe these trips away will make things better (I did feel pretty pumped after spending an awesome week skiing with Kirstin and Chris), or I will finally have one measly check to add to the academic win column. But for now, I simply say "rabble".

And yeah I know..wah wah my life is so hard. I know I live an easy and charmed life, but being "first world problem" miserable is still a valid emotion.

Busy Ass Weekend

Okay I've just been insane busy with work stuff for the last few weeks. Like...in the office at 8:30 am and not leaving until 9 pm, to just go home and work until midnight. But, things have slowed down a teeny tiny bit, and I'm working hard on getting un-sick, so it's time for an update.

So this weekend was amazingly fun but crazy busy.

Friday was day 1 of recruitment weekend, where all the new prospective students come in for the weekend and we figure out who rocks and who sucks. So that involved cocktails followed by small group dinners Friday night. Following this we all did a super quick costume changed and went to our winter semi-formal. That ended at midnight, at which point I met up with The Klapper and his two best friends from NY because it was his birthday! So we were up until 4 am, and then didn't get to bed until 5 am, and then we got up at 8 am. So..pure exhaustion.

Which sucked, because Saturday was spent at work being plied with free food (awesome) and getting to know all the prospective students. It was fun, and there were some really cool people who would be great fun to have around next year, but it's really tired to try to be engaging for 9 hours. And then there was a dinner that night and people all went out for drinks to show off the Hanover night life *giggle*.

And this morning, I woke up early to sneak over to The Klapper's, crawl into bed with him for a bit, and then head to brunch with his friends (who love me). Brunch was great, and then we decided to go hiking..because...apparently you do that in the snow? So..the trail was packed down ice and incredibly treacherous, which made for a lot of hilarious falling. Winning moment of the hike: Klapper was sliding down a particularly steep slope and basically got raped by a stump extending up through the ice. Tore out his jeans and boxers and his ass was literally hanging out. HILARIOUS. So then we drove back and his friends said goodbye and we spent a little more time together. And then I went home and tried to reassemble my home/life in prep for the week.

So it was a great weekend but I'm super tired from all of it and not prepared for a busy week with another prospective student, tons of scanning, and lots of work.

Also, things are going really well with Klapper and it is making me very happy. We had a really sweet valentine's day where he came by and we made a complicated dinner that neither of us was qualified to attempt (we literally used every pot and pan in the house....and definitely didn't need to) and watched 30Rock and then made lazy man's fondue. It was also super sweet because I threw together a cute little present the night before that I thought would make him laugh (I wrote a full-out academic article about how amazing he is, using empirical data, references, figures, etc.), and he read it and started crying. Which was so cute, because I think he really appreciated that I put time and thought into our relationship and really care about him. Adorbs. I know many of you hate him, but he's been a really positive thing in my life lately.

It was also nice to spend a weekend with his real friends because he's just such a different/better/happier person around them. And it doesn't help that they think I am the best and SO Much better than past girlfriends. I feel like if we decide to do distance next year, they will be my biggest allies for him not acting like an idiot.

ALSO: Best Overheard in NH yet!

While waiting in line to get a sandwich.

Customer: Can I get a receipt for this?

Worker: Sure but I'll need to write it out by hand because the machine is broken. I fixed it two times before but the last time the tip of my knife broke off and got stuck in it.

Customer: A handwritten receipt will be fine.

Worker: The worst part? It was my favorite knife that my kids gave me...

Customer: (turns around and looks at me to ensure we had both heard her say that)

A Very Klapper Week

Guess how many days I saw The Klapper this week? 6. I know. What the fuck is going on in NH!

Gotta say, that boy is trying hard to make up for past bullshit. I'm going to go ahead and detail this out..

So Tuesday night I stopped by his house to cry into a Keystone light about how fucked up the piloting of my new study went (seriously, so fucked up..my friend had to keep whispering in my ear "say it with me, this is why we pilot. Say it louder. Like you mean it"), and we got to talking about stuff and how he's completely terrified of letting me down. I believe he used the phrase "it makes me want to kill myself when I let you down". Right sentiment, maybe don't use "want to kill myself" around a psych person.

So I went home and wrote him a sweet email that was like...chill the fuck out, things are GOING to come up and I'm not going to hate you or dump you because you have a busy life. BUT, in my exhaustion (no sleep for several day because I've been sick) I thought it would help him to understand where I'm coming from my explaining the difference in how this relationship felt to me before and how it feels now..ya know...to help him understand why having to cancel on me now feels different than it did before and why it's okay for him to relax a bit. Woops. Apparently I described the past year with him in terms that haunted his soul. For the sake of those curious I said "So before, whether this is true or not, I felt like...you thought of me as some girl you were banging in Hanover to get through your time here, and that you just needed to put in the bare minimum to keep me engaged enough that we could keep having sex and not waste any extra time on me."

So we touched on that briefly Wednesday night, and then he went out to celebrate his roommates' birthday, but then I got a semi-drunk text at 9 pm asking if I wanted to come out to the bar and meet all his friends. I felt like death and looked like shit, but, I figured if I didn't take this chance now he would probably not do it again, so I cleaned myself up and went out to meet some friends. OMFG. Apparently business students don't do any work because there were about 45 people there all HAMMERED on a Wednesday night. Hammered.

But it turned out being so great. I would walk up to someone with Klapper and they would be like "OMG we have heard so much about you! We're FINALLY getting to meet you!", and most of them were actually pretty awesome. Some were total d-bags...ya know..business school. It was also nice because at times Klapper would be off talking to someone and I would just go meet other people or talk to his friends, and I think it was good for him to realize that I am not an anti-social retard and am perfectly capable of handling myself without him in a social setting. The only annoying point was that Klapper was kinda drunkish, and was feeling really upset about that email, so his friend would come over and he would look really sad and I wanted to be like "bitch please, knock that shit off in public and get over it". But oh well.

So at some point his roommate succumbed to his "alcohol-induced narcolepsy", which was hilarious. He falls down onto a chair next to me and passes the fuck out for a minute. Comes back to life for just long enough to lift his arm and sweep off the dozens of glasses and bottles on the table. And then passes back out. Pure magic.

As I was the only sober person, I offered to take his friend home who had been begging me to bang him since I arrived. But he wouldn't get in the car and kept trying to sleep on the sidewalk, and nobody could get him to cooperate. So..I did the only thing I could think of...which was to start stripping off my clothes in the middle of the street in the dead of winter and telling him to get in the car so we could go home and bang. Not only did it work, but apparently that basically cemented my status as awesome for Klapper's friends.

So we drop off his friend (who, hilariously, got in the house and started stripped to reveal he was wearing a bathing suit instead of underwear...) and get back in the car to go back to the bar, and The Klapper wants to talk about "us". And how upset he was about the fact that we dated over a year and I didn't think he gave a shit about me (true). And that he is in love with me, and hates that he can only say it when he's drunk but means it (awww?). Sigh, and then he starts crying. But it was actually totally adorable, although I had to tell him to stop being a bitch so we can go back to the bar. But it was a definite moment, and we hashed out a bunch of relationship shit.

More time in the bar, more of his friends thinking I'm awesome, we give a few of them rides home and somehow it's 1:00 am, on a Wednesday, when I am sick. But..there was clearly still some stuff to talk about from the car, so I go in and we just talk about EVERYTHING for an hour. All the stuff I've ever wanted to ask, I ask. Serious bonding moments people. And then we had sex for, no joke, a fucking hour...until finally it was 3 am and I really needed to leave (even though he begged me to stay :))

And that was Wednesday. And then he came over again on Thursday night for our standing Archer watching date. I was a little nervous because ya know...you have one of those nights when you talk about feelings and people are drunk and then it might be awkward when everyone is sober, but it wasn't like that at all. Sweetest moment was when he said something like "I'm sorry I was a shitshow last night, and I want you to know that I don't need to be drunk to tell you I love you. I love you.". Swoon-ish.

I should also note that he tried to put together a double date for us and his friend, but I ended up bailing because I think his friend is a d-bag and wanted to do laundry instead, but he tried!

So that was Thursday, and then Friday I went over and we baked pretzels and then went out with some of his friends for the night. I also got to see pictures of his ex-girlfriends, which is terribly masochistic but I was curious. I think I'm definitely hotter than any of them ;)

And that ends my week of Klapper. I know this was an exception-kinda week, but it was really great and made me very happy. I'm sure our busy schedules will prevent this kind of thing from happening frequently, but I'm glad that at this point his friends "won't stop talking about how awesome I am", and we've pushed a lot of the relationship bullshit around enough that we can just move past it.

Other than that, I got my crazy ass smoking study up and running this Saturday and it went....umm..okay? Okay fine, I drank alone on Saturday night to get over it, but I'm working towards academic rockstar and this is a small step. This week should be more of that and just a ton of work and meetings, but I think things are going okay.

And for those of you playing at home, don't worry, I'm sure Klapper will fuck up something royally soon enough and I'll do more hate-blogging. We had an amusing exchange recently about such that went like this:

Me: Blog something blah blah blah.

Klapper: You have a blog?

Me: Um..yeah..you know this. We've talked about this. I mentioned it on our first date.

Klapper: Do you write about me in it?

Me: .....obviously.

Klapper: ......

Me: I mean...

Klapper: Do you write....bad things about me?

Me: Well...not...currently.

Klapper: Can I read your blog?

Me: Absolutely not.

Klapper: Ha..okay fine..I probably don't want to read it anyway.

Me: Definitely.. I can't have you knowing about all the other guys I've been fucking.

Klapper: Oh you're silly....

A pretty lame weekend

We got a whole 20 days into 2012 before I got sick. Woot!

Thursday I had a wonderful date night with Klapper centered around watching the season premier of Archer, which included a trip to the gym and the new pizza place that I am in love with and that he now considers Mecca (apparently have good pizza and 2 Buck Hunters is all it takes for him). He's been super cute, and I'm going to ignore a certain someone's comment that "they are going to be physically ill if they read the name Klapper anymore"....I'm going to argue that maybe you shouldn't read my blog in one night ;)

The weekend was pretty low key but not bad. Friday was a friend's birthday, so we had an enormous dinner-party kinda thing and were then heading to The Cave to get him massively drunk, but I started to feel completely terrible so I ended up home and in bed by 10 pm. Winner. It did suck though, because The Klapper and I were trying to hard to get together, and we had super fun plans to meet up and go to a party with his friends later that night, but I had to pussy out :(

Saturday I babysat (yeah I know, not the best when you're running a fever but I needed the money and assume anyone else has an immune system strong enough to handle this). They were total monsters, obviously, because I was feeling wretched. And then I spent the night getting hilarious and adorable drunk text from The Klapper as he was at a birthday party in NYC (which he actually invited me to but I obviously couldn't go, but still, progress!). Oh, and I guess he came over Saturday morning to check on me and make me eggs before he left for NYC.

And then Sunday, I've just been working. Made a stupid choice to workout which made me feel terrible again, but ya know, it wouldn't be a weekend for me without a bad decision.

So that's my lame weekend. I'm getting my smoking study off the ground this week and running subjects, so expect a lot of rambling and complaining about there not being any fucking smokers in Hanover NH.