Awkward moment of the day

Sitting at home in CT with my brother.

Brother: OOO..have you used blue screen?

Me: What?

Brother: Hand me your computer!

Me: Why?

Brother: Just let me see it!

Me: Fine.....(watches brother scrolling through applications). NO REALLY, what are you doing?

Brother: Opening up Photobooth.

Me: So, seriously.....do not open photobooth.

Brother: (Pauses)....hands me computer back...runs away.

I really need to clear up all these naughty pics and videos..they get me into nothing but trouble.

And the voice of KP rings through my ears

"Fuck Klapper...he suuuucks"

So The Toddler came by tonight to "cook for me and teach me a new recipe". In reality we made fajitas with an Old El Paso seasoning packet. The gesture was sweet at least.

And then we watched football and just talked, which was actually very nice. Another super long date (6 hours) and the conversation was very natural and not forced. There was even some football cuddling on the couch. Awww.

So the last game ended and he leaned over and kissed me and from there we ended up having sex. I will give the boy points for eagerness - even I was impressed by the gusto with which he tore off my bra and went to town on me.

But.....the sex was...only okay. He was super quiet the whole time (huge turn-off), so much so that he came and I didn't realize it for a good 2-3 minutes.

Also, and more tragically, that spark just...isn't....there. He's so sweet and he treats me so much better than The Ex and The Klapper, and the conversations are great and natural, and we share so many common interests...but...I don't see him and want to rip his clothes off. I know I should give it more time and let things develop, but I felt that sexual passion and connection instantly before and I just...you know what I mean?

So, whatever, I'm glad that for now I can just let this whole thing simmer until I come back in January.

Also, in true Klapper fashion, he emailed me tonight. At least this time I thought "fuck him" and then went and fucked someone else. What's that...the sound of me backsliding into old habits? Oh fuck.

Am I being too sensitive?

Sometimes I can't figure out if I am over-reacting or rightfully skeeved out by people.

Please read the following and tell me if you think this was inappropriate.

I went and got a massage today (at a spa, not on Craigslist..screw you Amanda for even asking ;) because my back was completely tweaked. Basically it hurt from the back of my neck to my calves..and I splurged on the 80 min (get 'er done) package.

My therapist was a perfectly nice, straight gentleman in his late 20's/early 30's I'm guessing. And overall he was very professional and I didn't feel at all uncomfortable. Yes I thought it was weird that his pants kept bumping into my open hand that he had positioned in some way on the table, but it's also gotta be hard as a man to really get through the knots in someone's back and also have to keep track of where your junk is.

Half-way through he asks me to flip over, so I flip and and he says "My God, you're gorgeous..." and sort of pauses for a moment and continues "you've got that massage flush face about you."

So at this point I ask the question - was that an appropriate compliment, or was it kind of gross.

I always assume with this type of thing that they see me like a doctor viewing a patient, but then he says this and I think "oh, or maybe he's seeing me like a fully naked chick lying on her back on the table who has what looks like a sexy post-orgasm face flush".

Please bear in mind that I am full on naked, and he has been kneading and twisting my ass and the joints around my hips and upper thighs (because obviously what is broken on me is my ass)...so this isn't just like he's been rubbing his hands along my upper-back.

Anyway, it's totally fine, I simply took it as a compliment and tried to put it out of my head..but I still ask the question of was this kinda skeevy?

Too many men

Last I updated, I was headed out on my 2nd date with the 22 year old law school student who I am naming The Toddler (it's probably not appropriate, but it stuck in my mind...).

We actually had a lovely date - met at 6 pm for Indian food, talked forever until they subtly told us to leave, and then he was adorable in trying to find a reason for us to stay out, so we went to Canoe Club and had nice warm drinks and continued chatting until 11 pm or so. I think I'm starting to like this chap. The conversation is easy. He's cute. He loves IPAs and hates tomatoes as much as I do. I also poked some fun at him about the goodnight hug and I loved that we could laugh about it. I also got a much better makeout session at the end of the night.

One hilarious moment of note, we were talking about my dominatrix work, sex parties, etc...and he had some questions about the dom work that we talked about very openly and honestly. Afterwards I was like "I'm glad that doesn't bother you, in truth, most guys are usually pretty excited about it but aren't actually okay with it..."

And bless his little heart he said "Well, that's probably because most guys think 'Oh awesome, she's probably easy and sleeps with anyone'..but of course, I can tell you're not like that at all."

A-fucking-dorable. I so appreciate that he thinks I'm not a slut, even though I kind of am and was not having sex with him because I'm trying to sort out the other men in my life.

So now we are entering an issue of do I sleep with him? He asked if he could come over Sunday night and cook me dinner, which is adorable....and so beyond what The Klapper would ever offer to do for me. The problems: (1) there is that pesky Klapper, who I did say I would remain faithful to until we figure out what we're doing come January. (2) I think The Toddler is a bit on the innocent side sexually (see above terrible reading of my sexual promiscuity). I think it could be fun to do a little corrupting, but I think it would be unfair to sleep with him once before we leave for winter break, and then we come back and I dump him or something. Whatever, I guess I'll just have to feel out the situation Sunday.


And there is also Splenda Daddy. He was pushing for some sexytime real hard this week, so I lied and said I was leaving town today for D.C. Little lie...oh well. I'm sure it's not like he's missing out on other opportunities because he's waiting on me.

AND then there is The Klapper. I had decided to reblock him on gchat that night, and so of course he gchatted me to tell me that as he was hiking up Machu Picchu, all he could think about is how I should be there with him and how much he misses me. Oh, and to send me a picture he took because he knew I would find it funny...which I did.

Enter punch in stomach - I need to get over him, but I just can't until we have closure. 99.9% of me knows we're never going to work, and that he's going to come back and explain that he's not willing to treat me like a human being...but its that stupid 0.1% that nags at me.

So that's what's up. Super exciting weekend of babysitting planned..but I'll have updates about Sunday night for sure.

My slow and steady decline into prostitution

I wanted to update sooner than later since I know some of you were thinking "I wonder when I'll hear on the news about the promising Dartmouth graduate who was found chopped up in a suitcase?"

The date with Splenda Daddy was actually a lot of fun. He had said some creeper-ish things over email in the past, so I was nervous, but I got there and he was just a cool guy. Like a super normal 50 year-old father of two teenagers who liked music and art and talking about politics and joking around. He looked better than his picture also...in fact, he didn't look that different from Mr. Big (not Chris Noth, my Mr. Big from D.C.).

We had cocktails at the bar of a nice new hotel in Hanover (making it the 2nd hotel in Hanover..I KNOW!), and then after a few hours he told me he had a room upstairs and a bottle of champagne on ice. I made it quite clear that we would not be having sex tonight, but I love a good expensive champagne and the conversation had been flowing and I saw no reason not to.

We got up to his room and he kept it nice and mellow and relaxed. We kissed some..not quite making out, but we kissed a lot. He gave me a back rub (which was amazing given the amount of painkillers I'm currently downing for back pain), and he seemed fairly content just putting his hands on the inside of my thighs, or brushing the hair off my shoulders and running his hands along my collarbone, etc. Most of the time we were actually just talking.

As I had suspected, he isn't really a creeper, just a very sad man who recently divorced and wasn't sure how to move forward in his life. He had been married for 15 years, they divorced a year ago, and are working together to raise 2 kids. He said the first 7.5 years were great, but then his wife just lost all interest in having sex. He basically followed all of Dan Savages rules and tried so hard to get her interested again, and then finally said he needed to have sex in his life and wanted to stay married for the kids but wanted permission to go outside the marriage. And she said no. And so finally after 7 years of this, they got a divorce. He did tell me that he had been seeing someone in Colorado the last 2 years of his marriage, but I honestly don't fault him for that. I'm sure other stuff went wrong, he admitted that there were things he could have done differently, but when I asked him why he was hiring someone instead of just trying to date he said "after the divorce, I sort of don't think I'm worthy of love anymore."

Is that heartbreaking or what? God we know I'm such a sucker for a broken man.

So after an hour or so in his hotel room I decided it was time to leave, and he was completely okay with that.

Where does this leave things? I have no idea. I don't plan to see him again before I go home for break, so I have some time to decide. I also have another date with the 22 year old law student tonight, so I'm certainly feeling that out as well.

For now, I think I'll just continue emailing and not worry about it. Although that does mean getting things like this little gem he sent last night after I left: "Decided to go home afterall instead of staying at the hotel. Somehow it feels like I should be spooned up next to you stroking your collarbone."

Shudder, just typing that brought back a visceral/negative response. It's not that I'm not interested in pursuing this, but that is WAY too intimate for the time we shared together. I feel like this is a common issue I've had dating men who are divorced though - they really have no idea how to take things slow and be appropriate with intimacy-related issues.

Okay all for now, shall update on my date tonight soon.

Oh, and in case you're wondering - he bought the drinks, no money exchanged hands last night, and that felt correct to me.

2 Wildly Different Dates

Okay so first, last week I totally got my grant in on time and finished grading for my class so I have met all the academic deadlines of 2011. Go. Fucking. Me. Now back to sexy stuff.

Date # 1 - this will probably be the most ridiculous thing I have written in a long time, I went out on a date with a 22 year old and it was actually really nice and I'm seeing him again. There. Did you read that? Can you believe it?!?! Now I will admit that 22 is completely absurd, but his profile said 23 and I was impressed through our email exchanges that he seemed to be the type of 22 year old who had actually lived a pretty interesting life and might be a little more grown up than a typical 22 year old man. Like me, he had worked since he was 14 and done a ton of odd jobs and seemed like a really motivated person, and after The Klapper I am realizing that adversity in one's life maybe is a good thing that is needed to build character. Oh, and he's getting a masters in law at a school in Vermont, and I really was impressed that he was smart enough to get a masters in something he wasn't sure about before jumping right into law school.

So anyway, we met for drinks around 5:30 on Friday. He was a little nervous, but once we broke the ice we had the easiest and most interesting conversations. We have a ton in common and I felt nice and comfortable around him. And he was cute and tall, which are both good things. After that we moved to another place to get a few more drinks, and then it ended with a walking tour of Dartmouth. He even put up with the fact that my drunk ass friends were hunting us in Hanover and trying to ruin our date (they found us but were so adorably drunk that it was fantastic).

The only issue is that his 22-ness did show up a few times. For example, he's still unsure what the fuck he is doing come August - maybe he'll stay here for law, or go back to NY, or join the PeaceCorps, or take over his family business. Now that is 100% appropriate at 22, but I think someone with a little more direction in their life would be nice. Also, he's a touch inexperienced relationship wise. He had a 1.5 year thing in college that was semi-serious, and no real indication of a lot of other experience. After I asked him to walk me to my car at the end of the night (he clearly was struggling at this point of the date), he had a look of complete panic when we got to my car. I have not seen that look in YEARS. So he hugged me and I said "seriously? Is that all I'm getting?". He laughed and we had a nice little makeout session. But still, it was adorable on one hand, but on the other hand, I need a fucking man ya know?

And just when you are thinking "oh, that seems pretty normal", I got home and saw an email from The Klapper from 8:30 pm. Subject: Where are you? Text: I miss you. I didn't respond. I woke up the next morning and saw an email from The Klapper from 4:30 am. Subject: Sad. Text: You're not here, and I miss you....and I'm sad.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? How does he always seem to cosmically know when shit like this is going on in my life and pick that moment to not treat me like shit. FUCKING Klapper'd again.

I responded back with "I'm going to assume you were drunk last night?" And he of course was, though made a point to say "but that doesn't mean that isn't how I feel." Oh wonderful, thank you for the clarity.

Date # 2 - So Sugar Daddy (hereby named Splenda Daddy) and I are finally meeting up. Tonight. This is going to be a little strange because last week we had an email exchange that basically amounted to this:

Him: Come over TONIGHT. NOW. NOW.

Me: I cannot, it is snowing and I have 30 papers to grade.

Him: COME OVER NOW.

Me: Strange, still can't.

Him: I will pay you $500.

Me: Does not change the situation.

Him: I will pay you $900.

...now..please don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to get paid $900 to do something I love, but I am also not the kinda girl who goes to a random persons home she has never met and exchanges cash for sex. Even if it's a lot of cash.

So I told this to him, in the most polite but equally forceful way I could, and he felt a bit sheepish. I tried to get him to just commit to meeting me on Friday instead..and he basically was a little baby about it.

So we're meeting tonight and I'll see how it goes. I have NO intention of sleeping him tonight. Period. End of story. But, if we clicked then I can see no reason why this couldn't workout.

So, here is hoping it's either awesome or a complete shit show that I can write a good blog entry about.

Why do I blog?

So somehow the trip to DC, and then the crushing workload, and going home for Thanksgiving and being sick all sort of stopped me from blogging. I thought about it, but always had something else that needed to be done. But Wednesday night I went on a terrible date with a charming little fellow I will nickname "Dick Text", and as we were joking about the day after, people began reminding me of other bad dates and sexual encounters that had someone slipped my mind. Like Motorcycle Dick, Homecoming Indian, and The Child...and then it occurred to me that I MUST keep up this blog, or I will never have a chance to look back at all the mistakes I made. So consider this a gigantic recap and me recommitting myself to blogging.

So the DC trip was fabulous. I got to spend some great time with Amanda, Matty, Megan, Evan, and even T. Neil. Yes T. Neil. I made sure to get in Thai Food, Zorba's, a Saturday night in Adam's Morgan, and a super chill evening watching Archer and smoking pot. Such a solid trip. There was something a bit more challenging about not having a boyfriend and home base, but I did the best I could living out of a bag and sleeping on couches. Academics wise, I also full-filled my conference mandate of meeting one new friend in my age cohort, and making sure I have a real/intelligent conversation with 2 important names in the field. I also received a massive compliment of someone thinking I was a 6th year graduate student, and an adorable research assistant at NIH asking "Hey...how did you get to where you are in life?" Adorable.

So I got back and I have this INSANE grant that is due on Tuesday that has been just terrible. It's bad enough that faculty members see me in the hall and sort of give me a reassuring look and say "good for you, this is a real accomplishment". I won't go on about that, but the stress of all the travel and this on my shoulders definitely caused me to come down with something massive for the entirety of Thanksgiving break and it has stayed with me.

But Thanksgiving was great all things considered - my brother actually seems to think his family is acceptable now, and we sat around eating yummy food and watching 30 Rock the whole time. I also got to fit in more Megan time and grab coffee with MaryKate.

And now I'm back and babysitting (hence the Friday night blogging) and just trying to get through this final assignment and my grading for the term. And then, mark my words, I am taking a break.

Ah yes, you must be thinking "so she went on a date, did she dump The Klapper?" Well no, obviously that would be too sensible. Allow me to explain....

We've all known that things were coming to a boil on that, and him being away for 6 weeks was weighing heavily on my mind. So he decided to stay an extra weekend (NOT FOR ME..don't even think such nonsense) and we had plans to have a really sweet, romantic going away dinner on Monday. BUT on Sunday night he told me he was tutoring until 9 pm and then there was a birthday party thing he needed to go to. Whose party? A guy he met the weekend before. So.......cue furious/incredibly hurt ranting pissed off telling him where he can stick it phone tirade. And the worst part was, he absolutely understood how bad this hurt me (I believe I said that I could not even come up with a more ridiculous reason to ditch me than a cupcake party in a dorm for a guy he met a week ago). But as with these things, it always turns into one of those tender conversations where he explains that he really does want to be with me but can't stomach the idea of a long distance thing and doesn't want to let down his walls enough for it to really hurt him when we part. And the thing is, as much of a dick as he is, I do understand that logic. I think we are really a great match when he does momentarily let his guard down, and I think he could be a great boyfriend when his heart is in it. But the fact remains that WE CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS. I'm going to repeat that for myself - WE CANNOT KEEP DOING WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING.

So I laid it out clearly for him - he has 6 weeks off from me, his job is to figure out if he thinks incorporating me into his life and dealing with a year of distance is worse then me being out of his life forever. It came as some surprise to him that we can't just "do what we're doing" now and when I come to NYC we can try it for real. And I believe strongly that any man I am supposed to be with should not be able to fathom the idea of giving me up for a year. So that is his job and he understands that when he is back in January I need an answer.....and he also knows to avoid me around New Years because I am still BITTER pissed that all his plans fell through but I'm still NOT an acceptable option for him on New Years. Fucker.

But what about this date you say? So, I think there is a real good chance that The Klapper is not going to realize he's a fucker and isn't going to be willing to commit to me, so I need to prepare myself mentally for being back in the dating game. It's too easy for me to just let him keep sliding because I'm afraid of being single / sexless. So Wednesday night I called The Klapper and let him know that as part of my 6 weeks I needed to go on some dates, and I have no intentions of doing anything sexual with these men (I am no longer a cheater, and that is important to me), and I didn't feel right doing it without him knowing. He actually took it kinda hard, and seemed pretty sad, and asked me not to "fall in love with any of them" (he said this seriously without any hint of irony) and to please not write him off yet.

So that night I went on a date with Dick Text. He is a giant 6'3" black man who looked a bit worse for the wear for his 29 years in this world, but I liked his personality over okcupid emails, and I needed to try to get back into dating. So we sit down at a nice Irish pub and he orders a Smirnoff Ice. Oh shit, big red flag. Plus..he was wearing a Bob Marley shirt and a zip-up sweatshirt that he had put some colored electrical tape stripes on. I mean, it's fine, just not all that impressive for a first date. So within 5 minutes of meeting he said the following "I know what you're thinking - you can't wait for this guy to take you back to his place and fuck you." Um, pardon? Now let's be real, there is likely few girls on this earth, ESPECIALLY in NH who are more inclined to discuss sex than men, but seriously? I still trying to tackle the pronunciation of your name. Plus, do not tell ME what I want, if I want to go home and ride your sweet cock you will damn sure know it.

Obviously at this point I had discounted him as a potential connection. So we chatted for another 2 hours or so (the last 30 of which we were held hostage by the most pitiful 50+ dredge of society woman that I've seen yet in NH who was complaining that her 65 year old on-again off-again boyfriend kicked her out after shining her boots because he was too tired to have sex), and I actually did enjoy his company as a friend, but was insanely turned off by the fact that every 10 minutes or so he suggested how we should be fucking.

I got home and he sent me a bunch of texts, to the point that I had to say "Hey, I don't have a texting plan so please just send me emails". His response? "Well that's too bad, I was just going to send you a picture of the thing you wish you were riding right now :)"........

Me: "Yes I agree I need a better texting plan, no I do not need a picture of your dick." I cannot TELL You how many times I have to utter that sentiment on a daily basis.

So he sent more emails which I basically ignored, and last night I sent him a little email explaining why I didn't want to see him. I sent it around and everyone agreed it was actually rather sweet and light-hearted, but definitely got across the behaviors that had turned me off from seeing him again. My friend said I am doing the Lord's work by saving womankind from these men who act like this or have no idea where the clitoris is (See The Child entries).

But I will say this - I had a lot more fun telling a bad date story then telling my usual story about how The Klapper picked (insert anything) over spending time with me.

So I'll keep y'all updated on things. The Klapper and I have actually chatted just about every night, we even had a 5 hour conversation last Saturday because I was home sick and he was exhausted - and it was really nice to talk to him without this giant "WHAT ARE WE?" question on my mind. In my heart of hearts, I really do think that he cares and thinks that I'm the one for him, but I don't think he's ever going to give up his independence.

Stand on the Shoulders of Giants.

OR, spend two days at Yale at the most amazing conference ever where you can meet (1) your academic heroes, and (2) their academic heroes. I'm completely exhausted from an insanely brain-packed weekend, but I am so happy I made it. Usually you go to a conference and about 1/3 of the talks are relevant, it's packed with too many people, and you can't ever finagle your way into saying more than "I liked your talk" to these people you totally idolize and would like to collaborate with on projects. This was completely different. It was a tiny gathering of 140 or so people, and it was all about self-regulation from the giants in the field who were basically acting like they were just presenting some data among friends. Even better, I had an "in" with the conference organizers so I got to attend the dinners and receptions afterwards and share a drink and my research ideas with these incredible people. Sorry, I don't know the proper amount I can gush about this, so I will simply close with the following: I was taking a senior seminar in psychology as an undergrad when I came across a classic study in the field that made me think "hmm...maybe I could study this forever instead of becoming a lawyer/politician." I got to have dinner with the man who ran that study and tell him just how much of an influence he has had in my life. Amazing. I also made lots of good connections with people I might potentially work with in the future since it's hard for me to find people who care about addiction up here at Dartmouth.

So yeah, conference was intense but at least I got to spend a few hours with the family and play catch up.

And now, I'm frantically trying to work out a poster and get packed up so I can go enjoy D.C. I'm making a promise that after I present my poster from 5 to 8 on Thursday, I am officially checking out until I am back on a plane coming to NH.

Other than that - still working on the sugar daddy arrangements (I'm busy and then he's busy), and The Klapper still finds new and interesting ways to suck. He dropped it on me last that he's going to be gone for 6 weeks coming up next Friday, so I think it'll be pretty easy to figure out if this sugar daddy thing is right for me so I can hopefully drop his ass when he comes back in January.

TOO BUSY + Sugar Daddy?

I'm not even going to apologize for not updating. I'm in an academic shit storm with no end in sight - but I'm getting through the mess. It seems like every single day there is a new deadline, but I keep meeting them, so soon enough there will be no more deadlines and I can be a person again. In fact, after getting through a departmental talk tomorrow, I might actually be the type of person who doesn't frequently cry in the shower. Maybe....

Some Highlights - super fun departmental party 2 weekends ago. Oh, and I ended up pushing a car 1/2 a mile in 3 inch heels and the shortest skirt I own. With no coat. In 30 degree weather. Win.

-super fun Halloween party last weekend with an AWESOME Double Dare costume. Awesome.

-weeding in the snow. Okay that sucked, but I had to laugh because my friend and I showed up to do some yardwork in sneakers and the guys yard was covered in show. So we spent 4 hours digging weeds out of the snow and pulling them from the ground. But then we found a roadside bbq joint that was amazing.

-The Klapper. Um. Sucks. I mentally wrote so many nasty posts last week but then decided I was sick of updating with like "My arm got ripped off in an elevator but The Klapper had a group project to work on so he gave me his coat and left".

Upcoming!!!!

Conference at Yale this weekend. Looking forward to being home - hope the parents have power by then.

DC NEXT WEEK. HOLY FUCKING HELL. DC. ME. SOON. FRIENDS. SOON. AHHHHH.

Plans are starting to come together, so get in touch with me if you want to hang out.

Sugar Daddy?

Okay so we all know I'm a bit too pragmatic about sex, so here it goes.

(1) I am broke. I work a ton of shitty jobs, and I'm still broke.

(2) I'm currently having meaningless sex with a guy who treats me badly. Correction, I'm having meaningless sex about once a week. Which is 6 times a week less than would be ideal.

(3) We know I like older men...

So I was browsing Craigslist in between work panic and found a sugar daddy ad. I responded and the guy seems pretty nice, cool, laid back. I basically said exactly what I just typed, and I think he appreciated my bluntness. We've emailed and exchanged pictures and I'm hoping to meet up when I get a break in the work to see if this could actually work.

So Feedback please! (1) Is this just the worst idea? I know that crossing the barrier between dominatrix and person getting paid for sex is a big one, but I've given up on finding love in Hanover. (2) What am I worth? I don't even know where to begin figuring out my bottom financial line for playing girlfriend.

AHHHHHHHHHHH

I know, super descriptive title. World is spiraling - it's all I could muster.

So spiraling. I ran out of my allergy meds and had to go the weekend without them. Did I mention I'm super allergic to fall? I'm super allergic to fall. So I am completely miserable right now. Walked into a meeting and my adviser said "wow, you look terrrrrible." Win.

ALSO, operation ceiling is a fucking bust. My dad and I whipped through the ceiling in 6.5 hours on Saturday, and it was hard but so satisfying when it was done. So last night was the first night the people above me were home. Now, things are still uncertain because I was up at 6 am anyway due to allergies, but it was definitely still super loud when the bitch upstairs got up at 6:15. It's so clear that she has given up any semblance of trying to be respectful. But, it was a little better, so I am hoping that maybe adding a 4th white noise machine and hoping that she starts wearing socks when it gets cold will ultimately hold me over. Still, I'm totally depressed that it didn't work. Dare to dream!

Klapper! AHHHHHH. Saturday was supposed to be an awesome night - It was going to start by getting dinner with The Klapper and his roomates, then all of my friends were going to hit up karaoke for a few hours and then head to a bar in Hanover that was trying a "club night" for the first time. And yes, that is a big deal in Hanover, we have nowhere to dance. I was banking on this night being good, and that is probably where it went so horribly wrong.

So I checked in with The Klapper mid-afternoon and, funny story, he blacked out for 4-5 hours the night prior and woke up covered in mud with his head on the toilet. Awesome. I got to his place and his roommates weren't ready, and then we couldn't find a place to eat, so I had to bail on meeting up with my friends and carpooling so we could head to the karaoke place earlier to get dinner. Well okay, fine. His roommates and I were having a great time...The Klapper looked like he wanted to die.

My friends eventually showed up and it was a challenge to get like 15 people all together, so we sort of divided up by class and I had to hop between my friends, the new grad students, and The Klapper and his roomates. His roommates eventually left, and it just went downhill. Our group took over the karaoke machine, and were dancing and drinking and having an awesome time, and The Klapper was sitting at the bar, facing away from us, completely miserable, not engaging with anyone.

Then came the awkward part where I was..not angry, but disappointed that he was acting like this and kind of embarrassing me, and then he got upset that I wasn't more understanding. AHH!! It's not like I was yelling at him, just ya know..I would look at his miserable little face and say "I wish you were feeling better so my friends could get to know you better and understand why I like you so much." Fail.

So I ended up taking him home (read: so we could have sex and I could let him pass out) with the plan to meet up with my friends at the dance club later. I never got a text from them, so finally I texted out and apparently they couldn't get in and the groups had gone to totally different places and it was lame. And then came the sadness spiral.

I was looking at a picture on The Klapper's dresser of him and his best friends on a roadtrip and I just...became overwhelmingly sad that I wasn't in DC, with my DC friends, doing DC things, and being with a man who loved me (no, I'm not missing Mr. Big, I'm missing being in love, there is a difference). So I went home and cried. And it was sad. And then I had to call The Klapper Sunday to apologize for basically running out of his place without saying goodbye.

But that being said, I still had fun Saturday night and Sunday my friend who moved away was back in town and we all got together to do a Faux Thanksgiving type thing, which was a blast.

And that leaves us with the issue of work. AHHHHH. No matter what I do, I am always behind on work. The only thing I take solace in is that my relationship with my adviser has never been better, and I continue to surprise her with the fact that I am only mildly retarded and not fully retarded. So that's nice. I am desperately trying to meet the 100's of deadlines before Dec 15th, and then I am taking some serious time off.

Other stuff this week - I'm putting together a super amazing Double Dare costume with a friend for Halloween which is going to be amazing. Also, it appears that the super long talk with The Klapper last Thursday did some good (I don't think I blogged about that, we had a big old discussion with some yelling -directed at me- but I think we both understood each other better and we're making concessions towards driving each other less crazy). He's been good about contacting me every day and sending out his schedule for the week so we can make plans. Maybe he's learning.

Okay that's all I can muster, should be a fun weekend coming up though.

Two steps forward.....

Oh that Klapper - he scored major bonus points Friday night by letting me grab dinner and hang out with his roomates/friends from out of town. He even offered to let me stay, which I declined because I thought it would be awkward (hey meet my girlfriend, now listen to us fuck loudly enough that her upstairs neighbor assaulted her), but I appreciated the gesture. We had previously discussed that we would probably not have sex Friday night because of his friends, so I had made it clear that we would need to find some time over the weekend.

So Sunday I texted him early to find out his schedule, and around 4:30 he told me it didn't look good because "he had some work to do and he had to play beer pong". Beer pong over sex. Yes, you read that correctly. So I gave him shit for that (playfully, at that point I was over the idea of seeing him) and he ended up coming by for..maybe 35 minutes... Then he had the audacity to tell ME that HE felt used. Bitch please. And finally, I was commenting that a week without sex is not okay, and he made some comment like "this makes me wonder what you do when I'm away for longer periods of time". Again, bitch please. It's insane to go a week without sex when he's spending time playing beer pong with first year Tuck students he barely likes, BUT, that's apples and oranges compared to when someone is gone for a few weeks and you're committed to being faithful. Just, whatever.

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say this, but spending time with his friends from NYC made me realize (again) that I'm more physically attracted to them and also get along with them better personality wise. Too bad I can't make a switch.

And of course, as I'm typing this out I get an okcupid.com message with the text "do you want to aneything some time . i love choclate to." Just a reminder of the quality of the man waiting for me to date if I dump The Klapper.

Other than all that, the weekend was busy but fun. I worked from 9 am until 8 pm Saturday and Sunday, but Saturday night I went out with all the first year grad students and we had an absolute blast. We tried to do karaoke, but the bar was having a party so we just got drunk and played charades and other games that I know from summer camp. I couldn't help but think that my usual friends would probably not be caught dead in a crowded bar playing charades. Nice to get a break from them at times.

Finally, operation new ceiling is progressing nicely. The parents were up to buy supplies Sunday, and we have everything ready to get the ceiling done this coming Saturday. Excited!

For just 24 hours, everything worked out right

I'm writing this now because I assume my house is about to fall down on me to counterbalance all the good things.

The Klapper came over last night and we had a lovely little slumber party.

He came with me to the car repair shop this morning where something amazing happened. The original estimate was $1,200 and 3 days without a car (though The Klapper offered me his car). That seemed ridiculous given the fact that my mom effectively destroyed any chance of this car looking nice years ago. So we talked it down to $600, but that still seemed high. So we were thinking things over and the mechanic said he wanted to try something...he got down on the ground, unscrewed the front bumper, pounded it back into shape with his front hand, re-attached it so it was no longer hanging off, and used a cleaning agent to take the transferred white paint off the car. So, to sum, the car now looked better than it did after I ran it into my friends' garage back in January. Total cost? $0. I begged him to let me give him some sort of compensation, but he said no.

So, following this, I got to write the mom back and basically tell her that instead of $1,200 and 3 days of a rental car, she needed to give me $0 for a repair job I am totally happy with. Her response - she's sending me an unspecified amount of money to compensate me for my time, and they think I am amazing. Win. No, double win.

And, this means I can use whatever money she sends me towards putting in the new drop ceiling in my condo. WIN!

ALSO, today I submitted my first grad school manuscript! There is no chance it's getting into this journal, but at least it is off my plate and the process can at least get started.

ALSO, the chair of the department (who is a giant bag of curmudgeon) stopped me in the hall this evening to tell me that he was "incredibly impressed by the questions I asked during a talk we both attended this week." That is by far the nicest praise I have ever received during my time in grad school.

And finally, this week has been non-stop from the time I get into the office until I shut down the computer around 11 pm BUT the work is finally starting to pay off and come together.

Alright, I'm prepared for the shit to now commence - but at least I got to feel like things were going my way for 24 hours.

...and that is the problem with Sneaky Hate Spirals

So like..seconds after I finished that last blog post, The Klapper obviously sensed a disturbance in the force and called. And I gave him an out of like "I think 1/2 my emotions are valid and 1/2 are insane, so maybe we should just talk tomorrow when I'm cooler headed.." But no, he said he would never learn if we didn't just talk..so OMG did we talk. About everything. And it was a very good and honest conversation, and I finally didn't hold back.

I think there are still some major mismatches in our perspective on relationships, etc. but we at least understand where each of us are coming from. He is still massive baggage from past relationships and very weary of getting involved when my future location is uncertain, and I was very honest about how that makes me feel (as well as how a lot of his nonsense makes me feel). So, from my side, I have agreed to be more understanding about the fact that he is busy and sometimes stuff just comes up that he can't predict. And, from his side, he's going to do a better job making me feel like a significant part of his life by having me come out with his friends and doing a better job of fitting me into his schedule. We'll see. Most importantly, we finally got through the "girlfriend" business and now it's not this big elephant in the room.

Moving on, I had an incredibly awkward experience tonight when my upstairs neighbor berated me about having loud sex with "my boyfriend". I went up to bring her the new rug I bought, and she immediately pulled me outside and was like "listen, we need to talk about you and your boyfriend..I have a 10 year old daughter and what you two do is just inappropriate. The other night it was so bad she asked 'What is that noise? Is someone hurt?' and I had to turn the tv up full blast. So, you two need to keep it down."

So obviously I was a little shocked by this, but I apologized and promised I would keep it down and was really sorry. Then she said "look, the landlord put down more of the rug, if it's still too loud you're just going to have to deal with it, because I'm not putting down another carpet."

Jeez. I like that she is indignant about an issue related to thin walls, and yet is unwilling to put down a carpet that I BOUGHT FOR HER to try to solve my problem related to thin walls. Operation New Ceiling will be in full effect, and I guess I can probably deal with keeping things down since she's gone 3 nights a week. But still..why did she have to be such a bitch about it? Oh, and she also told me that her work schedule changed and now she will be up even earlier. Win.

Was that really my weekend?

That didn't feel like much of a weekend :(.

Friday night we did go out dancing (The Cave!), which was a lot of fun...and bonus that I wasn't drunk when I got home because I actually got a good night of sleep.

Saturday I spent most of the day grading papers - wait, I want to talk about this. I am teaching juniors and seniors, at an Ivy League school, who had to pass 3 prerequisite classes to get in - and 5 of the 12 papers contained introductory or concluding paragraphs that consisted of 1 sentence. And only 2 of the 12 did correct APA style citations. Not even consistently wrong...they just had no fucking idea what they were doing. Awful. And then I spent Saturday night babysitting. Oh yeah, and the mom backed up into my car. And freaked out. And is so embarrassed that she doesn't want to book any more sitting nights until this whole thing is behind us (yes they are paying for the repairs, etc.). Great. Crunch my car AND take away my income. On the plus side, she backed into the same spot on my car that I had hit back out of a garage - so win?

Finally, today I woke up super energized and had an amazingly productive day, so I guess that's good.

And what blog post would be complete without complaints about The Klapper. That boy done be driving me crazy. Thursday night we had an incredibly magical date night. One of those great 3 hour dinners, where everyone in the restaurant is thinking "my god that couple looks happy", and we had AMAZING sex and he kept saying ridiculous shit about how amazing I am and how lucky he is to be with me. Sounds good? Well sure, but actions speak louder than words.

(1) He has a really shitty relationship with his real dad, but has a very good relationship with a former undergrad professor who is sort of his surrogate dad. Like, they spend weekends together, talk every other week, etc. So his surrogate dad was coming up to Dartmouth for the entire weekend...and I guess I stupidly thought that maybe, just maybe, I might be worthy of meeting him. Well, I wasn't, but he made sure that his best friend had lunch with him. The same best friend who stabbed him in the back with his whole housing debacle. Did I mention I made him my famous chocolate chip cookies from scratch on Thursday as a surprise. Doesn't that buy me awesome status!

(2) Speaking of him treating his best friend better than his non-girlfriend, they just got back from a trip to Germany (which is cool), and he is already planning another trip in December to include a 2 week trip around South America, a quick trip home for Christmas, and then New Years in Japan with his bestie. Call me stupid, but I've always felt like New Years was one of those holidays that you spend with the person you have been fucking for a year. The conversation went something like this:

Klapper: I'm going to Japan for New Years.

Me: Oh...I had sort of hoped that maybe we could do something for New Years.

Klapper: ...Japan.

Me: Okay fine, but you realize this leaves me with no other option that another New Years sexy party?

Klapper: Well, but you could like..go again and just watch.

Me: (Silence)

Klapper: Right?

Me: (flashed him a look that basically said I plan on being part of a train this New Years).

Klapper: Well, we'll see.

(3) Okay I'm just unloading nonsense here, but something that annoyed me this summer was that the two times I came to visit, he was basically out funneling grain alcohol until 5 am the night before and was exhausted when I showed up. Oh but his surrogate dad was coming for the weekend - then he HAD to get to bed early both nights. Ya know, had to be fresh for someone he actually gives a shit about.

(4) Back to Thursday night dinner, there was an incredibly awkward conversation in which "summer dating" came up. This is not something you discuss with someone you care about, right? Amusing story, he went on one date and had drinks with some girl who never texted him back when he asked for a second date. Loser. There was also a great moment when I was talking about "The Dealbreaker" and he was like "um..how did you find out he doesn't perform oral sex?". Me: "It came up over drinks".

(5) Well now I'm just getting sucked into a sneaky hate spiral. Part of the reason you agree to have exclusive sex with someone is to have sex. With someone. Regularly. And especially on weekend nights. I made a comment about wanting to see him at SOME point this weekend, and he said "well maybe Sunday", but of course, something came up, and he strung me along until about 9:30, and then he's busy Monday and I'm busy Tuesday. YOU LIVE 10 MINUTES FROM ME! Find a 50 minute break in your fucking day to come over and plow me!!!!

Okay rant over. But seriously, this can't keep going. I'm going to have to sit him down and explain that all the sweet talk and "I'm so lucky" and "I miss you's" and staring into my eyes until I look away feeling awkward need to end. I'm fine with this being pure and simple sex, but it really fucks with my head when he starts to say/do that shit. I'm obvious looking for something better so I can drop him, but I'm just not willing to fall back into the dark cave of celibacy and one night stands.

Creeper Update

I was beginning to think maybe the creeper had given up, but today I got yet another message which said "Hey, how's it going? Let's make out! And maybe we could get a drink too."

But this time there was about a month in between messages, so that's improvement. Perhaps this will be the last of them?

Weekend Recount + FUCKKKKKKK + Awkward Klapper moment

So the weekend was great but totally boozy. Friday night we did a happy hour, which turned into dinner + scorpion bowls, which lead to a bar night where we got sucked into a bachelor party. It was super fun, but ever since turning 27 I've found that nights where I drink a lot I tend to fall asleep quickly and then wake up at 4 am and have tons of energy and legs that want to bounce around. Annoying.

So I was up super early Saturday, running errands, doing work, etc. Saturday was our semi-formal, so we threw a big pre-party and started drinking at 6 pm. We got to the actual party an hour late, but it was outside in a tent and it was somehow 85 degrees with 95% humidity, which was awful. They turned the fog machines on and it actually became hell. So they ran out out of booze 45 minutes later and we went back to having our own party. Finished up the night with pizza and more bonding with all the new grad students.

Sunday was a mess of work. Another night of drunk sleep meant up by 6 am, at work by 9:30 am, and I was running around madly trying to do work until about 8 pm. Busy ass Sunday.


You may be thinking "what was that in the title about FUCKKKKKKK"? So you may recall that in May the senior grad student in our lab left. Well, the other grad student told me last night that he is also leaving (switching labs, ironically to my old adviser). I have no ill will towards him, I think it was the right choice, but OMG I am so FUCKED. Our lab is fucked. It's all fucked. This like...triples my workload, is going to send my adviser into a depression spiral, and virtually guarantees she doesn't get tenure (in part b/c now it is only my papers that can go towards her tenure, and also b/c she doesn't have a functional lab which looks terrible). I was definitely trying to get outta here in 4 years, but now I have no choice. She comes up for tenure next December, she'll find out in April-ish....I probably need to be set to graduate in May.

Is anyone surprised that I find myself in a somewhat unique and totally fucked position? Didn't think so.

And finally, The Klapper. He's been really sweet lately and I don't know how to handle it. I spent a year putting up these big heavy walls, and now I just don't know what to do when he says things that are sweet. An example you say? Oh sure.

So we were having sex this evening, and he's looking at me really intensely and he goes to say what I think was probably "you are so beautiful"..but I cut him off at "you" and said "god I'm so fucking sweaty". Romance!!!

So a few minutes later he finally said it, and then reached up and brushed my cheek and said "I am such a lucky guy".

I was so thrown by this that I froze, shrugged, said thank you....paused WAY too long...and said "I'm um...kinda lucky...ish...too". And then made an awkward face and apologized. And felt kinda sad because I realized how tragic that exchange was.

Fail.

He laughed.

But seriously, fail. I'm so broken. But at the same time - we still aren't boyfriend/girlfriend (not that I've asked, but I will never ask that question again), so I don't really know where to go with things like that. Rabble rabble.

and you thought NH was boring....

I was attending a condo board meeting on Wednesday and, per usual, the president of the board (no longer lives here, still gives a shit about this condo association, very confusing to me) was babbling on and on about stuff nobody cares about. The issue is that she is the only one who cares enough to look over budgets and write-up documents, etc., so we all put up with her crazy. Oh, did I mentioned she is a doctor (as in M.D.) at Dartmouth hospital? Okay, so she is a doctor at the hospital who also does research on rats and cigarette smoking.

I needed to talk to the property manager at the end of the meeting about a building code issue, so I was super annoyed when we spent the last 25 minutes of the meeting listening to the crazy president tell us to watch Pan Am on ABC on Sundays...b/c she was a flight attendant for 18 years...and it changed her life..and she has SO many stories about it. SHUT UP.

So I get my question in, I go to leave, and she corners me:

Crazy: Hey, how is your research going?

Me: Blah blah qualifying exam, term starting..blah blah.

Crazy: So I remember you telling me before that you basically get to work on whatever research projects you're interested in, right?

Me: yup.

Crazy: So, I wanted to talk to you about some research projects I've been looking to collaborate on. I think I've talked to you about the first project already, but I'm really interested in how the brain changes when people do compassionate meditation.

Me: Yeah, I really, truly have no interest in that (to be fair, a lot of people do care about that research, I'm just not one of them).

Crazy: Okay cool, so the other project...so..I know you're going to think this is crazy, but I really am not crazy. I see auras.

Me: (silence)

Crazy: I don't see them all the time, and I only see them on certain people when they are meditating. And on plants. And on grass. I think this is a neuroscience question.

Me: (silence)....sigh...

Crazy: I think it could perhaps involve the polarization of light off the person while they are meditating, because it stops as soon as the person stops meditating.

Me: sigh..okay..well maybe that's a visual perception of physics question?

Crazy: Maybe, but I really think this is a neuroscience question.

I eventually bullshitted the name of someone I would check with who might be interested in this kind of research question, while I said "we need to walk and talk..walk and talk".

Where the fuck do these people come from?

The next evening, I was driving up towards my condo around 10:30 pm and saw a man walking down the street with a 7-8 year-old girl holding one hand, and 1/2 full bottle of Jack Daniels in the other hand.

NH is really magic.

Don't ask and ye shall receive

Saw the Klapper last night and was mildly amused by the fact that the less I ask for things, the more he does what I would have wanted.

We have both been absolutely nuts these past few weeks, and I've been completely exhausted (fuck you people above me!), so I haven't been pushing for us to spend much time together or really wanting anything past a booty call.

So last night we were together and he looked up and said "Can we go on a date sometime soon? I miss doing that?" I guarantee that this would never have happened if I had asked for it. Love it.

Last weekend before the crazy hits

This was supposed to be the last weekend before classes start up and the google calendar begins looking absolutely insane again...supposed to be.

Friday afternoon I headed up to Ludlow to spend the night at the Okemo condo with the parents to relax. The drive took insanely long because a lot of the main roads in VT got washed out (stupid Irene), but we had the most lovely dinner (economic stimulus), I got laundry done, and we stayed up chatting until 1 am.

Saturday we hiked up Stratton mountain bright and early (up at 7 am - stupid lack of curtains), and it actually wasn't that bad (compared to running up Okemo) and got to culminate with a delicious lunch in the village at the bottom. Then we drove 50 min back to the condo, I took a shower, collected up laundry, and drove 1.5 hours up to Tunbridge to attend the most awkward departmental gathering in the history of awkward departmental gatherings.

So, we get an email (hidden recipients list..ewl) on Thursday saying "the weather on Saturday will be great", with a link to a website. Apparently, a faculty member in our department was hosting a music festival on his 50-acre home. And yes, he had purchased a .org that contained directions, schedule, band info, etc. So strange.

To make matters worse, absolutely nobody was in town this weekend. This is bad for 2 reasons: (1) there was nobody to drag along to this and (2) the faculty member put a ton of time and money into this event so they were pushing people to come/guilt tripping.

So I was completely exhausted from hiking up the mountain, and the professors' house was the most incredibly remote location imaginable (although interestingly, you pass the birthplace of Joseph Smith to get there). After 20 minutes along an increasingly narrow and winding dirt road, I finally show up and there is like..nobody there. I had purposely made sure my friend was leaving earlier than I was..but she's also the least timely human being imaginable, so I knew she was at least another 30 minutes away. I awkwardly crossed this enormous lawn and found the only people I could imagine talking to (two new first year graduate students) and just sat down and had a beer and tried to remind myself that I had a valid reason to leave in 2 hours to go babysit.

And it was a long 2 hours. The faculty members and graduate students used to be uncomfortably friendly in our department, but some paradigm shift a year or two back ended all that, so now interactions with the few faculty members who were there was incredibly awkward. The rest of the crowd was members of the bands, friends of the bands, or family friends of the professor. Not really people who were interested in making conversation with a new person.

I got out of there at 6, raced home, put my laundry away/made my bed in 12 minutes, and then had an exhausting night of babysitting. It's a bad sign when you arrive at 7, you know the kids need to be in bed by 7:30, and they both come running down the stairs in their Halloween costumes, screaming. Parents got home at 11, and then The Klapper came over at 11:30 so we could fit in a bootycall. And then I passed out at 1:30 and it was fantastic.

This morning I blissfully slept in until 11 am (haven't done that in months) and have sat on my ass watching Law & Order the entire day. More babysitting at 4 this afternoon....I'm just going to take it easy until then and maybe try to get some work done this evening after I get home.

Overall, not the most relaxing weekend, but there were definitely highlights. This week will be busy but also very fun, and will involve SO much free food (hooray orientation week!). Oh right...and so much work! Classes start Wednesday and I already have to give a lecture on Friday. Prepare for lots of "I am crazy and not making sense" posts this term.

Seriously? What the fuck am I doing?

Why am I such a screw up about men (yes, I'm a little drunk writing this post)?

So, the Klapper has been trying really hard to be good to me. Now granted, his trying hard = what a normal person should do..but fine. Last night, I even brought up how I wanted to hang out with him at parties and stuff, and his response was "I never even thought about that...but yes, I'm going to try to find more stuff to bring you to"..which is pathetic, but is an improvement from "oh man...can we not talk about this?"

So....why was I making out with someone in the parking lot outside The Cave (favorite cave-themed restaurant ever) tonight? Not just someone, the same guy who 2 years ago I made out with in a bathroom and then, as I was walking out of the bathroom said "Quick question? Do you want to give me a blowjob?". Allow me to explain.

I was on Facebook and this guy Facebook chatted me (who does that?). It happened to be perfect timing, because I was driving back from the gym and thinking "oh good, tonight is Project Runway/ Futurama night....sigh...remember when you had a boyfriend/friends and you never watched TV because you were having a life?" So in this way, it was perfect timing because I was wanting to go out on a Thursday and prove to myself that I'm still cool and capable of having fun.

So we went to an Irish pub in Lebanon, and had a really fun time. Conversation was flowing very easily and naturally, and I even brought up the blow job request from 2 years ago (which was a priceless reaction). And then...I don't know...he was really attracted to me...and I was having trouble getting The Klapper to commit to plans for the weekend..and making out just felt right. Especially once we moved to a karaoke/cave-themed bar. It was clear to me that he wanted to take me home and fuck me, so I'm proud that I didn't do that, but I'm still thinking "what the fuck are you doing?" It's so tragic to me that at this point, I'm not even sure if what I am doing even counts as cheating.

Sigh..more to come.

Prepare to be SHOCKED

First and most important news: I PASSED MY QUALIFIER!!!!!

You may recall part one was that evil 7 day exam. Well part two was even worse, and involved preparing an NIH-type grant that you then present and defend in front of a committee of faculty members.

So really, the test is if you can handle getting your insides ripped out of you by faculty members for a few hours. Apparently I can.

So that is a giant relief and meant I got to wake up for the first time in over a month without feeling overwhelming panic.

Second, The Klapper has not sucked massively.

So, we had the most lovely few days when he stayed with me. He's still very much The Klapper, but he made time for me, and said "no" to other things people asked him to do when we already had plans. And we had the first actual date night we've ever had - nice dinner out, came back and watched a movie. Most of you are thinking "you've...you've never watched a movie together?". Nope. But now we have :)

Oh right, and the sex. HOLY GOD it's some good sex. New bed has made a big difference.

So Thursday morning he was leaving and said something along the lines of "this has been great, thank you for letting me stay with you, and just..ya know...now I need to move in and I want to see friends so I just need..some time..so I just want to manage your expectations that I probably won't see you for a few days". Okay. I appreciate that he is trying to communicate about these things.

And at this point, I was totally fine with not hearing from him until Monday or Tuesday. But then, Friday morning, he sends me a text. And we texted all day Friday. And then Saturday. And Sunday morning I woke up thinking "It would be nice to see him tomorrow after my presentation. Or..better yet, I could really use some stress relief tonight...but I won't ask him for that."

So then Sunday he is like "hey, I was thinking maybe I could see you tomorrow night to celebrate?". Aww..mindreading! So I said sure and we agreed on plans, and then he was like "how are you feeling about the presentation?". And I said something like "HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK". And then he offered to come over and listen to my presentation and give me feedback. How sweet is that?

And he actually did! And his feedback was great and he really helped me put together a solid presentation.

And then he emailed and texted all day to see how I was doing / how it went.

So, I'm sure this is a rare and random occurrence, but I appreciate that he was around when I needed the support most.

So other than that, I'm trying to do a little relaxing and get back to the grind of doing real work. All for now.

Short Post real tired

I've been bad about updating - this crazy grant I've been killing myself over was due Monday (I got it in Sunday) and I need to present and defend it next Monday (the 12th). Eek. Consequently, this weekend was mostly staying home to work and getting up at 9 am to go into work.

But, Saturday I went out for a friend's b-day party (uneventful).

And Monday, I went to a great Labor Day party/Lobster Bake that got totally rained out but we had a blast. I am realizing that sometimes going to parties where I don't really know anyone might just be what I need to meet new people. So, there were a few boys that caught my eye last night..I plan to follow up at a leisurely pace. And also follow up when I'm not wearing mesh shorts and a tie-dye shirt (came prepared for slip n' slide).

And then there is The Klapper. In true fashion, after asking if he could come stay with me Tuesday night (he's heading back up to school but his new place is under construction), he calls today at 1:30 to say he doesn't know when he's coming. Because he doesn't want to load up his car in the rain (smart boy - it's going to rain for the next 3 days!). Annoying. Why do I always allow myself to imagine he might come through on things, and then use this excitement as motivation? Stupid girl.

So, he said if he didn't call by 5, he wasn't coming. So he called at 4:45, after I had wrapped my mind around him NOT coming. So..now he's going to hit all the respective rush hours and get here...who knows. Midnight? I should mention that the landlord of the place above me never put in carpet like she said she would, so the people above me have gotten me up at 6:30 am the last 2 days.

I'm just a bucket of sunshine right now. If the sex sucks, I'm definitely kicking this asshole out so I can sleep..until 6:30 am.

Kids say the darndest things: babysitting edition

Aside from babysitting providing a decent source of income, it also provides some incredibly amusing moments. From yesterday:

1. The two kids were playing on this giant hammock and basically trying their best to aggravate each other. At one point, they both rolled towards the middle and the little boy almost kissed his sister's butt, and which point she said ewl. Having narrowly avoided this, it obviously became his MISSION in life to kiss her butt. After some struggle his sister said "EWL! What boy would want to kiss a girl's butt?!?!" To which he replied, "I don't know"....looked up at me with his innocent 6 year old eyes, "... maybe that's something I will like when I'm older....?"

So wise beyond his years.

2. I'm sitting with the little boy while he eats lunch and he says "You know what is funny? Most little boys want to be like..firemen and astronauts when they are little..but once they grow up.." I assume he has wisely realized that we often end up with boring jobs so I said "a lawyer? an accountant? a doctor?", and he says "no, like, a magician. That's what most people end up being. I am pretty sure that is what I will end up doing." And he goes back to eating his soup.

3. (These may be repeats, but I don't care.)

We are in the kids playroom in the basement and there is a sleeping bag on the couch. The kids say "that's daddy's sleeping bag because sometimes he sleeps in the basement.." And then the mom, clearly realizing what I must be thinking yells from upstairs "WHEN HE IS ON CALL! Sometimes daddy sleeps in the basement when he is on call so he doesn't wake up mommy."

4. I always thought people were kidding about how kids just pick the weirdest information to share.

Me: So do you guys want to play a game, or we could play soccer or..
Little Boy: If mommy didn't dye her hair it would be gray.
Little Girl: Yeah, mommy has gray hair. But she dyes it.

This is the information they share? Why? Silly random, adorable children.

This made me laugh out loud

Okay, transport back to a few months ago when I had a date with Suitor # 2 that ended up with him cumming all over my stomach and me being disgusted with him. Got it? Remember when I told him in an email that he is terrible? Great.

Then recall that he texted and emailed me almost every other day with "hey, what's up?". "want to get a drink?". "we should get a drink?" "interested?" "hey, interested."

I tried giving him a friendly "no". I tried ignoring him. I tried saying "NEVER contact me again, ever, I will never get a drink with you. Stop contacting me". To which he responded "Thank god ;)"

Great. And for a month..he was quiet.

Then last week he said "hey, just wanted to say hi and see how your summer had gone." Okay, no reason for me to be bitchy, I sent him a message back just like "summer has been good, not ready for the fall, hope your adjustment has been good."

Why I did this? No idea...because then the messages came back in.

"Want to get a drink?"

"We should meet at Salt Hill tonight!"

"Drinks tonight?"

So I said "Hey, again, I have no interest in ever meeting you again, but I saw no reason to be a bitch and not respond to your message."

Him: "Um okay, thanks I guess."

Him: "What are you up to?"

Him: "You have really pretty hair."

Him: "I like your eyes too."

UPDATE 8/29/11: Posted today despite me never responding to the above "2.50 beers at salt hill. Want to put some down with me?"

The BEST part is that okcupid.com puts all your contact with someone in one message - so within the same box you can see things like "never contact me again" followed by "your hair is pretty".

Clearly this guy is crazy. But it does make me laugh :)

Note: I think I'll just keep adding his emails to this post to see how long he continues without me ever responding.

BEER OLYMPICS!

GO team Misfits!!!!

So the week and weekend was super busy. I did a ton of babysitting (including some tie-dye Wednesday that went array and the kids and I scrubbed the wood deck and furniture with detergent and our fingers until our skin was pink and the stains were gone) and was also really busy with work.

Oh, and a bought an incredible new bed - bargained down from $850 to $350. Go me!

Friday afternoon/evening we hung out with our friend who moved recently but came back up for Beer Olympics. I stepped out for a few hours to babysit, and then we did some practice for the next day.

Saturday was Beer Olympics and it was amazing but really long (4 pm to 2 am). We had a bit of a rag-tag team because so many of the usual players were out of town, but we had an amazing time and we won the gold in 2/5 events and came in second overall. We could have won first but my team had a 2 hour break in between the semi-finals and finals and our opponents played the entire time - so we were all sleeping/sober and it was super unfair.

Sunday morning my parents came over early to take care of a few last things before they had back to CT for the fall to get back to teaching. Sad. I'll miss seeing them weekly. Then I rushed off to help a friend scan subjects for the afternoon and then finally got to my massive workload.

And this week is crazy busy and I am beyond stressed out. We have a workshop all week from 8 am to 5 pm lead by the two guys who wrote/continue to write the program that half the world uses to analyze fMRI data. They are super nice, but it's really complicated stuff and you HAVE to pay attention the entire day and get all your questions in - because when will you have this chance again, ya know? So I come home and I am completely spent but I (1) got nasty nasty feedback from my adviser on my latest paper draft and (2) HOLY FUCK have a grant due for my qualifying exam around September 1st and waited WAY too long to pull it off. I am legitimately freaked out about a deadline for the first time I cam remember. Not good. And I'm way too tired to do a good job with it after these super long workshop days. F.


Other things on the radar. Caitlin invited me to sex camp AND I am really tempted to go because (1) it would be awesome and (2) I could potentially sleep with my favorite actor from The State (look it up). But...I'm not sure I can take the time off AND I am pretty sure The Klapper would not be cool with it. Which is not exactly fair because it's not like we are something significant, but I think if I flip perspectives I would be pretty grossed out if he came back from sex camp.

Also, The Ex (aka Mr. Big) completely blindsided me last week and it still sort of catches me occasionally. We haven't had any contact since I cut things off for good in early July, and he sent me an email with the lyrics and a link to Adele's "Someone like you". Knife through the heart. Right there. Big time. It's like a huge indictment of how much I hurt him / how much he is still hurting. Ugh. Not emotionally ready for that. ALSO, it's Adele's latest hit so it's constantly on the radio, which means I get to be reminded of this everytime it comes on. F.

And then The Klapper. I really needed to chill out last night, so I texted him with like "I'm having a terrible day/night, could we talk for a little. pretty please". And he never responded. I found out today that he was in the middle of nowhere and didn't get the message until noon today, but it was the little arsenic cherry on the shit sundae that is this week. And then we did end up talking for an hour tonight, and at some point I started thinking "is this really the guy I spend so much time stressing over? Why?". I don't know if it's just been so long that I feel completely disconnected from him (plus, he told me tonight that he'll prob get back to Hanover a week later than expected b/c they are putting an addition on the house he is moving into - terrible timing for that news), but I just...am not feeling it right now. Not sure if it's time to look for someone new or wait to see how things feel when he EVENTUALLY gets back. Regardless, I am keeping my promise to myself to go without sex until I have my annual check-up on the 30th. Then..I guess we'll see.

All for now. Go Misfits!

P.S. Our team was The Island of Misfits aka Hawaii. It makes sense...trust me.

This weekend, I was a lumberjack

This weekend was incredibly chill and a nice break from the usual.

Friday night I hung out with my friend (the same friend I ran up Okemo with) and we went to his gorgeous house on the river and did the whole listen to music and cook a long, complicated dinner over many hours type deal. While drinking..maybe too much drinking. And then we went for a beautiful moon-lit walk along the Connecticut River at midnight. In many ways, it was the best date I have had in years..except for the fact that neither of us has "those" feelings for each other. So, it's great to have a good friend who likes doing the same stuff as me, I just wish I could sub him in for a guy who I want to date and who wants to date me

Saturday I got to be a lumberjack, so that was nice. Awkward Jesus is leaving for Germany for 3 months and got his entire winters supply of firewood delivered this week - so he bribed us with booze and food to stack wood all afternoon. It was actually very fun, and most of my friends were out of town so it was an opportunity to interact with some of the other psychology people who I never seem to spend time with.

And today, I was basically lazy all day, cleaned the house, and then did a catering gig (which was dumb, old people have no idea what is reasonable for people to do for $12/hour).

I did a terrible job being a productive student this weekend, but maybe I needed the rest. OR, maybe I am worn out from doing everything under the sun to make some extra money over the past few weeks (okay, not that...I haven't reached the point of doing dom work again because I can't find new clients with Craigslist sucking and I just..don't...want to go back to that other guy).

So..that's about it. Adviser was/has been unforgivably negligent so I'm about to explode on her this week. And The Klapper...well...eh. I took him off my gchat list so he could be "out of sight, out of mind" (because I hadn't felt like he had made a lot of effort these past few weeks and I just wanted to be over it) and then he promptly calls me today to see how I've been. Where exactly do men keep these sensors that tell them exactly when the girl they are fucking is becoming "over it"?

Coming to DC in Nov!

Mark your calendars, I'll be coming down sometime around Nov 10th and staying as long as possible. AS LONG AS POSSIBLE!

A Little of Everything This Weekend

Okay not sex. I am dying for sex. That didn't happen this weekend. But, otherwise it was good.

Friday - we had our last softball game (we lost, badly) and then did a going-away going out night type deal for my two friends who are leaving (who I miss SO MUCH, and who are now allowed to read the blog since they don't live in Hanover. Plus, they were never people I bitched about anyway). Went out to the very best cave-themed karaoke bar/dance club in all of Lebanon and did some dancing, drinking, etc. It was a good time, but it occurred to me around 1 am that the dull/nagging pain in my throat/lymph nodes/head ever since running up the mountain was turning into screaming pain, and maybe I should go to bed.

Saturday - got up early-ish to bring friends breakfast and say goodbye before they left - though there was something sort of right about sitting on the floor having Dunkin Donuts in an empty apartment, sharing a few laughs before they left. Smile/Sad. Ambivalence? Then I went off to track down a doctor to make sure I didn't have strep (I don't..just the standard post-camp "we don't know why your body has turned against you"). My parents came to run some errands, take me out to lunch, and try to cheer me up about my current grad school mess/hatred. And then I spent the night babysitting (MONEY!) and was home and in bed by 10 pm.

Sunday -after 12 hours+ of sleep, I finally felt well enough to get into the office and put in a solid 8 hour day and get some good writing done. That actually felt nice - because all week I was so awful feeling and out of it that I didn't really get anything good done.

So this week I am (1) trying to recover, (2) trying to be productive, and (3) trying not to have sex. I had a discussion with The Klapper yesterday and the next few weekends looks busy for both of us, and then it seemed silly to make a trip to see each other when he's going to be back the first week of September. So..this will be 7 weeks without seeing each other, and probably 4 weeks of me not getting laid. This doesn't look good. Must focus on work!

Woops - where did that go?

Allow me to paint a picture for you. It's Wednesday morning around 9:30 am and I walk into the student health center to make an appointment because nobody is answering the appointment line. It's summer term, so instead of the private office, they have a big room that everyone is operating out of, and there are about 7-8 people in the room.

Me: Hi, I need to make an appointment with a womens health practitioner.

Receptionist: Okay, and what do you need the appointment for.

Me: Um...womens health-related issues?

Receptionist: Ma'am, I really can't help you if you don't tell me what the problem is.

Me: (PAUSE...long enough so everyone in the room realizes this will be amusing) so...um....there may or may not be a condom lodged inside of me, and I would prefer there not to be.

Receptionist: (holding back laughter) Okay I can get you in at 10:30.

Me: (walks out the room with head down as the rest of the room snickers).

So yeah, I got a condom stuck inside me. It's out now, but it reminded me of being 17 in all the worst ways. Plus I lost a night of sleep trying to get the damn thing out.

You might be asking "hmm..I don't recall The Klapper coming to visit..." Well you would be right. Earlier this week, an old friend (blog name New Boy, back from March 2010 to July 2010 until he left for UCLA) gchatted me, we got to talking as I thought "why the fuck are we speaking after not talking for over a year?". Then, of course, it turns out he is in town for the week and wants to get a drink. Why not?

Drinks were great, we had a wonderful time, and I asked him to come back and we had some pretty decent sex (minus the condom issue). No regrets, but I think at this point I will wait a few weeks, get tested for stds, and try to keep myself from having sex until The Klapper returns. We have no plans to see each other before he comes back to Hanover (though he hinted at the end of August), and while I don't feel like I owe him anything (as I am currently his non-exclusive non-girlfriend), I think it'd be good to start in September with a clean bill of health and see how things develop with The Klapper.

Other than that - still totally sick from camp/running up the mountain, and work is kicking my butt this week. Adviser has been impossible to deal with, so I'm looking forward to her being gone for a week (even if it means yet another week where she ignores my work and holds me back).

Whatever, weekend should be fun and productive.

Another Post on Making Dumb Choices

But not the usual suspects for this category.

So I got back from camp feeling totally worn out and exhausted, little bit of a cough/throat-thing, but I REALLY wanted to run this 5k race up Okemo mountain with my parents and I convinced my friend to do it with me. We had plans to drive to Okemo Friday night, spend the night with my parents and some of their friends, and then run this race early Saturday morning which culminated in a Harpoon sponsored bbq with live music and lots of fun stuff. Awesome right?

TERRIBLE decision. I woke up not feeling the best Saturday morning and the race was the hardest athletic event I have ever participated in. Ever. The entire damn thing was straight uphill, sometimes reaching a 75 degree angle. The first mile was on road, but then it turned into this mud/rock combo that you couldn't even walk up, let alone run. Holy F. I started heaving up breakfast around mile 2, and it was just the most miserable event. The post-race bbq was actually a wonderful time (will put Facebook pics up), but I got back to Hanover and wanted to die. So I took a nap (right? me taking a nap - this was clearly dire) and then had to head over to a going away bbq (yet another set of dear friends leaving....totally miserable). I didn't really drink, made it to 11 pm, and then went home and slept for 12 hours. And then Sunday was a wash.

Go team!

Too much to say!

So I'm not even going to attempt to do a comprehensive post about the last 2 weeks, so here are a few highlights.

The Klapper: Saw him Friday on the way up to camp and managed to successfully navigate driving in Manhattan. Had a lovely, albeit brief visit, and I drove him to his parent's house in NJ Saturday morning - which was hilarious because his mom clearly did not know who I was ("this is my friend") but then saw us hug and kiss in the driveway which The Klapper did not see. I could already hear her saying "So...she seems nice" when I left. Giggle.

Camp: Insane, crazy, amazing, exhausting. So many damn seizures and a really bad mix of heat waves and epilepsy. BUT, soooo good to see everyone again and to have a week where I am actually around people who know me, and understand me, and appreciate me despite my oddities. Plus, I felt like I was really needed this year, which made me feel less bad about asking for a little money to pay for some of the gas. Plus, these kids are so fucking ridiculous...many memories that will make me giggle for months over how silly they are.

D.C. Also amazing. I need a different word for exhausted to describe how I felt when I got there (no sleep in NYC, and most nights at camp I was up until 2 am+ and then back awake at 7 am). So great to see Amanda and then having dinner with everyone at Clyde's. It's really nice to know that we can all be scattered about in our lives but when we get together it seems like nothing has changed. :). I hold onto that fact because I know that if I just can't deal with Dartmouth any longer, there is a home for me in D.C. should I return. Plus, we got to man-prowl around Rocket Bar which was great...I always enjoy prowling.

And then I drove back to CT for the night to have dinner with my brother and got back to Hanover Monday morning. I definitely had the expected mental breakdown on the way home and the numbness/depression upon returning. I really profoundly hate this place, and those sentiments are made that much more salient when I get to be around people who I love and who get me.

Also, y'all will be proud that I did not have any interactions with The Ex (Mr. Big), although he was certainly on my mind (especially upon learning a bit more about how badly the first ex took our breakup many years ago).

And so now I'm back to the grind. Desperately trying to get through this PhD in 2 more years and finding that everything is conspiring against me (bad data, bad adviser).

Just keep swimming....

A quick catch up

Last weekend was fun. Not too much to say but I wanted to write this real quick since it'll be a while once I go to D.C. for camp.

Friday: Was actually a great night. About 25 of us went to a AA baseball game in Manchester (Go Fishercatttttts!) and ate awesome ballpark food and got drrruunk. Awesome. We even got to sing for the 7th inning stretch as a big drunk group on the big screen.

Saturday: Was a beast at work and then we all did a bbq/campfire type deal. Also solid.

Sunday: I drove up to Killington and hiked to the peak with the parents and grandparents. Rather exhausting, but still great.

And this week I've been rushing to get work accomplished before I leave. I got an abstract submitted to a conference in D.C. in Nov, so hopefully I get that = free trip to D.C.

I was awarded a grant from the American Psychological Association today, which was awesome. The dollar amount isn't so spectacular ($1,000), but it means I can pay the subjects for a study AND it looks great on my CV.

And..since I have recently found a possible way that would allow me to get out of this program in 4 years (not easy, but it's at least a possibility), I need to start beefing up the CV so I can approach someone for a job after 4 years and say "Yes I could have stayed longer and done more work, but I wanted to graduate, and look at just how much I did in those 4 years".

So that's about it. Oh, and I broke things off with Mr. Big (The Ex) for good, for realz, for final, end of story, nothing more, no more calls, no more gchat, no more sex. It was unfathomably painful, but it was time to stop leading him on.

So that's the story. Excited as hell to head to camp next week, and see all my DC people next Saturday, and possibly even fit in a Klapper visit on the way down.

Magical Fairytale NYC Post

I know this is a bit delayed, but I suppose I've been processing the emotions and wasn't quite ready until now.

So Friday I went to visit The Klapper in NYC. Bus was obviously delayed, but I got in and met up with the lovely and talented Ms. Caitlin for amazing thai food and girl talk. The Klapper ended up getting into the city the same time I did (he was supposed to get in well after me because he was on a company rafting trip in Massachusetts, but again, delayed bus). He surprised us at the thai restaurant and it felt so amazing to see him again after 5 weeks. So amazing. The three of us dropped my stuff off at his place and then went and got a drink at a local place (sidenote: I wore running clothes on the bus, so I walked into the thai restaurant wearing those and carrying luggage and a backpack, walked out of the bathroom in a cute blue dress and heels and then sat on my luggage in the middle of the fancy restaurant to get my backpack to fit. Classy --> this guy).

Drinks were awesome, he and Caitlin totally got along and she told me later that he was cute, not at all awkward, and seemed very into me. Awww.

So we said goodbye to Caitlin because it was clear neither The Klapper or I could possibly go another minute without having sex. So we did. And FUCK it was good. Always that awkward when you're in a tiny NYC apartment with several other roomates, but I seriously couldn't hold back.

Saturday we slept in late and rolled around in bed. I had a great awkward encounter with his gay roomate while I was in a towel, and then we were off for a lovely brunch and plans to go to the zoo in Central Park. Turns out the line for zoo tickets was easily an hour+ wait, so we ended up just wandering around the park and chatting for 5 or 6 hours. Now keep in mind, we had never spent anywhere near this much time together, so it was such a relief that we could just talk and be happy. Plus, I got to hear all about his past relationships (5) and it basically turns out that everything that didn't work with is past girlfriends (bad in bed, bad with money, stupid, no opinion or goals, not attractive) are my very bestest strong suits (prideful? nah..I just know my strengths). I also appreciate that the most recent ex was terrible in bed. LOVE that comparison effect. So yeah, we wandered and at some point just curled up together on a bench, and were watching the scenary off the beaten path, and he looked over and said "I have never felt this relaxed...ever...in my life..I'm so happy you're here." Swoon.

So his friends texted earlier in the afternoon and asked if they could come into the city and hang out with us. The Klapper was worried it would ruin our romantic evening, but I was like "FUCK THAT, I am dying to meet your friends". So we made plans to get dinner with them at 9 that night.

We got back from the park, showered, fucked (oh god so good), and then did a "nice bar hop" - basically went to super fancy amazing cocktail places with like 56 specialty cocktails with 30 insane ingredients (love those places) while we waited for his friends. One awkward comment at this point. We were sitting and chatting and somehow the fact that we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive this summer came up and he said "well, I assume that if you slept with someone else you would tell me to wear a condom until you got tested." Fuck. By then we had slept together several times, so I wasn't going to be like "oh right, funny story...". Oh well, must get tested at some point anyway.

Okay so 9 pm, his friends show up and we grab pizza and beer and we all hit it off instantly. They are so fun, not at all like his Tuck friends that he doesn't let me meet anyway, and it was clear I was a bit hit with them. After pizza..well, let me back up. His friends are big car guys. They love cars, love speed, work with cars..blah blah. So his friend had a brand new crazy car that could go 0-60 mph in 4 seconds. OBVIOUSLY we had to check this out, and there were a bunch of other friends at a beer garden in Queens, so we drove out that way and had a total blast.

The beer garden was also amazing - who knew they could fit that type of things in NYC? More friends, more awesome, a totally great night. The type where you plan to be home by 11 pm but then realize it's 2:30 am and you've been having too much fun to notice.

So this sounds good so far yeah? I clearly had to go and get complicated. Perhaps it was the drinking, but at one point it hit me "Wow, this is amazing, we are perfect for each other and I really like this guy.....and he won't even let me be his girlfriend." I wasn't going to say anything, but he read the sadness in my eyes. We were off at the end of a picnic table and his friends were in a heated debate about cars, so we had a little side conversation. I can't really recall it verbatim, but it was sort of this tragic back and forth where it was clear we both are so into each other "him to me: you are the most amazing girl, I admire you so much, I think we are a perfect match, and you make me so happy", FOLLOWED by "but I just don't know how to deal with the fact that you are going to be stuck in Hanover for 2 years after I graduate, BUT, you have to know I am thinking about this. A lot. I think about this and you all the time. And you need to know that."

So right, I don't know what to make of that conversation. He digs me but is super logical about things (how I should be), while I'm stuck with my "feelings". Curses.

So we went back, and crazy 3 am slightly drunk animal sex, and then the next morning it was time for us to grab a quick breakfast and get back on the bus. And I was very sad. And I suppose, I still am very sad, but also happy that the weekend was so magical. It seems like I need to just try to stay the course, give him room to run, and let him come around to realize that a life without me might just suck balls. In the meantime, it helps me a lot to know that he does seem to think about me and our future as much as I do.

So that was the weekend. Got back to Hanover, felt the usual depression, came in 3rd in a hot dog eating contest on the 4th of July (2 hotdogs behind the winner!), and have been keeping myself busy with work, softball, dinner parties. Ya know.

And since everyone has asked the question "so how did you leave things?" I have to respond that I have no idea. We don't have any plans again to see each other this summer, but I'm also basically gone until August, so my plan is to send him a naughty video when I get back from D.C. and make him think "oh damn...I need to get me this girl now".

Speak of D.C. I will be there come Friday the 15th, but only for summer camp. And will hopefully be able to see some of you and avoid sleeping with my ex. Wonderbar!

I'm So Excited!

I'm bouncing off my freaking chair! I cannot wait to see Caitlin tonight and catch up and eat amazing Thai food. AND I get to see the Klapper tonight, and have great sex, and spend the entire weekend with him AND not doing work. It's amazing!

Plus, I'm keeping to my deadlines and got a full draft of a manuscript done and submitted today for my adviser to tear apart and make me feel worthless. But hey, a terrible draft is better than no draft, right?

EXCITED!

A little something for everyone this weekend

This was a pretty solid weekend, with a nice mix of ridiculous stuff, fun stuff, and some work.

So first, I was at my desk Friday doing some work when I got a message on okcupid.com from some chick in Maine. Several emails later, she tells me she is in town for the night, with her boyfriend, and they would love for me to join them in a threesome. I was about 95% convinced, and we texted back and forth, but in the end the guy just had too many tattoos and piercings for me to be into it. Is this me learning? Probably not....but hey, this is my first weekend without sketchy random people in a bit, so good for me.

Friday night my friends wife had a painting at an art gallery, so we all went to that and then did pizza and beer and giggling back at their place. I nice low key evening for a Friday.

Saturday morning I woke up super early (because I am freaking out about writing a manuscript and my brain refuses to shut off), did a bunch of work, and then went with a few friends to a place called Funspot about an hour+ away from Hanover. It has the largest collection of old school video games in...I don't know...the USA, and also functions as an awesome kiddie casino with tons of ridiculous games. I had told my friend that I would go because his friend was in town and he wanted "fun people" to prove that NH can be a good time. So I spent the day in the kiddie casino, we all came back and joined with others for dinner, and then went to our favorite karaoke spot which unfortunately was having a reunion so some terrible local band was playing. Oh well, still fun. Only said point is that these friends I spent Friday and Saturday with our leaving NH for good in a few weeks, and they are really awesome. Lord knows I don't need the awesome people to leave. I need them to stay!

And today, Sunday, I again slept like shit and got up out of frustration so I could spend 9 hours in the office trying to make something out of this manuscript.

Other notes from the weekend that are either amusing or on my mind.

(1) The Klapper actually invited me to NYC for 4th of July. I know, everyone take a moment. He called today to catch-up, we were nearing the end of our conversation, and he was like "oh by the way, I haven't heard back from my friends yet, and I really miss you, so fuck it..would you still be willing to come see me this weekend?". Cute. Definitely. Hopefully we can stand a weekend together?

(2) My knee is back to being fucked up. I'm super annoyed - last thing I need when I'm super stressed about work and getting "you are the stupidest person who has ever lived" feedback from my adviser is an inability to run off the emotions. Also, mildly concerned about how this will impact my week at summer camp. Shit.

(3) WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me. So the guy from 2 Friday's ago (again, came all over me, I sent blunt email too..I should probably just name him) texted me Friday night to see what I was up to. I was too amused not to respond. I said I was out drinking with my friends, he said he was too, even though he had just said he was home, hungry, and making a grilled cheese sandwich. I never responded to that. He texted me again Saturday night and said "hey, want to meet up tonight". I didn't respond. This morning (at 10:55 am on a Sunday) he emailed me with "COME OVER!". What on earth is going through this mans head?

Also, that guy I went on a date with over a year ago (Was nicknamed Cute Pharmacist, was the guy who picked Bud Light over all other beer options, and told me he liked having balls in his mouth) emailed me on pof.com and said something like "I see you're still on here, want to give me another shot?". NO!

So I think that's probably it Must make it through this week and get a draft done that my adviser doesn't hate so I can enjoy NYC.

Oh Silly Men

Just for the hell of it, here's a little update on the three men from the last posts.

Date # 1 - aka, the guy who doesn't do oral. So Saturday night around 7 pm he texted me to ask if I wanted to meet up for a drink and people watch. Okay, first, it's 7 pm on a Saturday - if I don't have plans for the night yet, I'm probably home eating ice cream and crying. So I responded with "dealbreaker still means dealbreaker". Harsh? Whatever. He said something back like "well maybe it's cheesy, but I think two people can just be friends." I refer to it as something like because there were any number of typos. Whatever. I didn't respond back. I know it's a total double-standard, but I don't think a man who refuses to go down on a woman deserves a response. And yes, for all you gentleman reading, I don't think a girl who refuses deserves your time of day either.

Date # 2 - aka, the guy who came all over me and left me sans orgasm. So he texted me Sunday morning with "hey friend, how was your weekend?". Shudder. I didn't respond. He persists, "you should come over for a little bit tonight." I respond back with "I don't think so." He is understandably confused.

So I sent him the following email:

Hey,

I didn't want to write this much over text, but I wanted to tell you why I am not interested in seeing you again, because I would want someone to do that for me. So, I was honestly shocked that you left my place Friday night without any apparent concern for whether or not I was sexually satisfied. That lack of concern for my needs, in conjunction with you being super late, leads me to think you are maybe a little more selfish than I am willing to deal with.

So, good luck, and I appreciate you getting in touch with me today. Again, you can ignore this, I just would rather someone tell me what happened than me have to wonder about it.

He responded back like "thanks and sorry, I thought you did have an orgasm..guess I was drunk or something".

Such a winner.

The Klapper: aka, the guy who is driving me crazy. I decided not to drive down to join him in Cape Code last weekend (did I write about that? I have no idea? He wanted me to join him on the Cape, which is nice, but a 4 hour drive Saturday and Sunday...nah), and he's been sending me sweet emails all week. Which is obviously driving me crazy. Seriously, the last email was me being very direct about needing to firm up plans if we want to see each other before August, and the first line of his response was "I miss you. You're amazing. And no, I'm not drunk".

Ugh...

So yeah..men are stupid.