A perfectly redneck weekend

Or else, I think maybe because we are so far north, it should be "a perfectly townie weekend".

This was a pretty low key weekend; in part because the weather sucked, in part because there is so much pressure to get ready for qualifying exams, and mostly because the people above me are fo realz destroying my life by not letting me sleep past 6:30 am. Is a note too weird? I hate going back up and knocking on the door in the evening...

Anyway, Friday night there was a massive snow storm going on so I decided to stay home, make a nice dinner, and watch The Money Pit (favorite!) instead of braving the weather to sit in a crowded bar where I wasn't going to drink anyway. It was a pretty solid win, I was in bed by 10:30 pm, and I even had a nice 30 minute phone call with The Klapper. He was just calling to say hi and we ended up chatting for a while :)

Saturday I was fMRI scanning in the morning for a friend, and then we decided to be townies and try ice fishing. Unfortunately, it had been sunny during the day when we got ready and was freezing by the time we got out late-afternoon, so the men-folk tried to fish with minnows that were instantly stunned when they hit the cold water and refused to swim under the ice, and the ladies sat and drank beer and ate Oreos. It was fun, but super cold. Then we all grabbed a quick dinner and headed to White River Junction for karaoke...ya know..to complete the townie experience.

Karaoke was fun as always, but it was me and 5 guys who kept complaining it was a sausage-fest (completely unreasonable, there were tons of disgusting women at the bar), and this 50 year old woman decided we were BEST friends at the beginning of the night but got super belligerent and then decided we needed to fight by the end. Definitely our cue to leave, and then I got stuck with my super drunk friend whose wife is out of town so we wandered around the 24 hour grocery store until he was sober enough to let me take him home. I also had this really satisfying encounter with a Cop who pulled me over because he was me leaving the bar, but joke was on him because I hadn't' been drinking. That was super satisfying, especially after getting out of a speeding ticket earlier in the day.

And Sunday was wildly productive and the best day of the weekend. I woke up and SMASHED through my work and then went to the gym and worked out like a crazed woman on speed who was trying to avoid going home to do work. The Klapper had said he was going to try to come by, and it was actually very cute because he we decided to do a super low key night in which we would eat peanut butter sandwiches and both do work together. I know that sounds lame, but it was nice because it felt more like what normal people do on a Sunday night. Like what two people who are slowly trying to incorporate each other into their busy lives would do. So he came over, we had dinner, had amazing sex, both did 2 hours of work, and then had another fabulous round of sex. I was a pretty happy camper, and it was nice that he seems to be as unhappy to leave me at the end of the night as I am to have him leave.

ALSO, craziest thing ever, we were chatting about the week, and he basically has crazy final exams, a friend coming Friday - Saturday, and then leave for 2 weeks of Spring Break. Which is all fine, this is a really busy time for me, and I could use the lack of distractions. BUT, he asked if maybe I would want to get together with him and his friend from home on Friday night, and if he could spend the night with me Saturday. Meeting a friend AND having a sleepover that does not come after telling me he sees me as a sex object? Win. And yes, I totally made an ass out of myself like "woah woah woah, you are actually going to let a friend of yours know that I exist?..this is crazy!".

So, to sum, aside from being completely exhausted, I feel ready to take on the week, keep being super productive, and am "so far so good" about not feeling sick after stopping antibiotics on Friday.

OOO...that boy done be so confusing

So, I'm at my friend's house doing laundry (I know, I hate coin-op) and decided to express confusion from last night.

So, The Klapper said he'd give me a call in the afternoon and come by later for dinner (cuz I made soup, and boy LOVES my soup). Six o'clock comes, no call, I say fuck it and eat dinner and keep doing work in my pj's. Boy calls at 7 pm, asks if he can come over..I said sure. The nice thing is, I really have started to sort of understand how this works. I don't freak out because he doesn't call, I don't change my plans, I just sort of go with it.

Anyway, he comes over and cannot keep his hands off me. We eat soup, we have great sex, fairly standard....but he keeps saying the nicest, sweetest things and it's so confusing. He tells me how much he missed me over the weekend, how he wished he could have seen me on his birthday, how he's dreading being away from me for two weeks while he's away on Spring Break, etc. He talks about wanting to take me skiing and about all the great restaurants he wants to bring me to. My birthday comes up and he asks "what are we doing to celebrate?". And then he keeps saying that I'm great ("you are just..so great...not just in bed..you're just...I think you're amazing"). And he keeps looking into my eyes. Just..staring into my eyes.

Now all of this would be great, but it's SOOO confusing. He doesn't want to date me, so why do all this? I am clearly the type of girl who will continue to sleep with you, and I can't help but be awkward when he says sweet stuff because it catches me so off guard. I just don't understand. It feels great to have him say nice things about me, but it also feels so hollow..because I know it's not real. Anyway, enough rant.

Dry Weekend

Despite having to be booze-free this weekend, I actually had a decent time (yes, I am aware how much that makes me sound like an alcoholic).

Friday night some friends went out for Chinese food and then we hung out around an Irish pub and made fun of each other. Also, you will all be very proud of me for ignoring The Klapper on his birthday (albeit accidentally). I checked my phone around 3 pm on Friday afternoon and saw a text from him from 1:12 asking what I was up to tomorrow. I said "no plans", but never heard back from him. I looked back at 6 pm and realized he had sent that out at 1:12 am that morning. So basically, he asked me to hang out on his birthday and not only did I not respond, but I sent him an ecard that morning which was basically like "have a great weekend!". Ha. Oh well, it felt nice to blow him off for once.

That being said, he called Saturday and we talked for a while and he might be coming over tonight so..ya know...

Saturday I did everything imaginable except work..woops! Oh well, it was nice to clean the apartment, workout, have lunch out with friends, and cook a real dinner. That night we went out to our favorite dive bar in White River Junction (read: townies like woah) because Saturday night is karaoke night, BUT, instead there was a terrible creepy local band playing for the night. At one point, the lead singer who had to be at least 50 and had never met a drug he didn't say "yes" to came over and insisted that he and I sing a song together. But...he was a terrible singer and I couldn't follow his vocals because they were all over the place, so I basically curled into the fetal position until he left me alone. Overall we had a really fun time there though (like you look down and think it can't be past 10 pm and it's midnight), and then we went to Denny's to complete our white trash evening.

So overall, a low key weekend but I got in lots of workouts and sleep, and now I'm trying to do enough work to makeup for taking Saturday off. The only thing that sucks is that I'm still feeling super sick. The antibiotics I'm on aren't as bad as last time, but I've been having a lot of chest and back and lung pain..which....isn't good. I was supposed to go to the hospital and get an ultrasound to figure out what is causing the armpit lymph nodes everytime The Klapper and I get down, but I can't afford to have it done so I'm trying to wait it out. I know that I should probably go back in to see someone about the lung pain, but I am so sick of being that girl who is constantly at the doctors office. Hopefully I can just keep getting rest, eating right, and things will sort themselves out.

Oh one last note for myself, I need to make an entry for the latest guy I've been chatting with on pof.com, but, I will save that for next time. I just need to put this down so I remember to do it.

Valentine's Day Update

For those of you readers concerned I might not end Valentine's Day completely confused..fear not, The Klapper ensures a state of confusion.

Where to begin...so last night (Sunday) I was contemplating a beautiful Valentine's Day filled with porn and sex toys, when I saw that I got an e-card from The Klapper.

Now keep in mind that from Friday/Saturday it had been made clear to me that I was NOT a girlfriend, definitely not worth his time and effort, and just his little sex object.

So I opened the card and it said, "This boner is dedicated to you" and then "Happy Valentine's Day ;)".

If you want to talk bad timing / hell hath no fury, this would be the moment. It was just the most perfect representation of what I meant to him (which is nothing).

I start browsing through e-cards and am debating between sending him "My Valentine is battery-powered", "Happy Valentine's Day to the person I slept with most recently," or "Black History Month and Valentine's Day are painful reminders of how white and lonely I am". And then I see I have an email from The Klapper.

"Hey, hope you got a good laugh from the card ;). How was your weekend? Can I take you to dinner tomorrow?".

Whaaaaaa? I'm not your girlfriend but I am your valentine? Argh..so confusing.

Obviously I said yes, and I got permission from Amanda to enjoy wearing a pretty dress, having a man buy me a nice dinner, and having Valentine's Day sex.

I have to be honest - tonight was awesome. He had plans to take me to a really nice fancy restaurant, but it was closed on Mondays, so we went to a nice Italian place and we both dressed up and were that couple giggling and telling funny stories and touching each other flirtatiously. Basically the couple that everyone else looked at and was thinking "wow, they are so in love". (jokes on them..right!?) Clearly we came back, had amazing sex, cuddled for an hour or so, and then parted ways.

So it was lovely, but again, so very confusing. We're laying there talking, and he's really frustrated with his friends, etc. and keeps coming back to how I am the most fun person he's met in Hanover, or in years, and how much he likes being around me. And I believe he really means that. I am really supportive of him, and we have very honest conversations...but I guess being wonderful and fun and supportive and pretty just isn't enough?

Either way, I'm trying to just enjoy the ride and not get all caught up on what is this, where is this going, why am I not good enough to date....and to just enjoy when we do hang out. We talked about skiing next week (he brought it up), and his birthday this weekend,blah blah..and I just..went with it. If he wants to include me that is great, and if not, I'll just do something else. I think I need to just appreciate this for good sex and a person I enjoy being around, and continue looking for someone who will care for me as much as I care for them.

Signing off - Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Yeah yeah, I know what I need to do

I am going to preface this with the fact that yes, I know what I need to do about The Klapper situation. Let's talk about the weekend.

So Friday night, we decided to go to The Cave which has super cheap yummy food, karaoke, and turns into a dance party..with all the local of Lebanon, NH. Totally awesome. They also have $2 20 oz beers - so people were getting a tad drunkie. The Klapper had told me he would be coming by later, so we texted on and off between 9:30 pm and 11:30 pm when he finally got there. Quick side-note, we were standing in the entry way cooling off when 2 particularly funny guys from my past walked in (one guy on here called The Boat who told me he didn't have a grade-A hard on, and one guy who is so ridiculous that making fun of him has worked into our groups vernacular). We all had to exchange pleasantries, and then my friends girlfriend just looked at me and said "you've slept with both of them, haven't you?". Oh the beauty of awkward exchanges.

Anyway, so The Klapper gets there, we have a drink and dance for teeny bit, but the bar was absolutely disgustingly hot and the dance music had switched from awesome to Vanilla Ice, so we headed home. We are walking to our cars and he turns to me and says, "Oh hey, did I tell you that while I was in NYC last weekend two girls came up to me at the bar and asked if I had a girlfriend?" Since I had been wondering the same thing, I thought this was such a perfect entry into this conversation so I turned to him and said, "so, do you?". His response, "Oh no, the point of that story was that I am a man in demand.". I pause, ignore that comment, and respond, "no, but seriously, do you have a girlfriend?". He says, "oh you."
We get in our cars, drive to my place, we get out and are walking together and I said, "okay but seriously, are we dating? Am I your girlfriend?". He says, "you're so cute."

So we go inside, have sex for 3 hours, take a shower, he gets dressed, and lays back down on the bed. I'm sort of confused why he is fully dressed and not going home (it's like..3 am), but we are hanging out cuddling and chatting, and I see my opportunity to corner him on the question.

Me: So, seriously, can we talk about what this relationship actually is? If I am your girlfriend or whatever.

Klapper: UGH, I really don't want to talk about this. Why do we have to talk about this?

Me: Because I think I deserve clarity on the situation.

Klapper: This is making my head hurt! What do you want from me?

Me: Clarity. I want clarity. I think it's fair for me to want that...we've been seeing each other since November.

Klapper: Look, it's not like I'm having sex with anyone else.

Me: That just means we are exclusively fucking each other, that does not answer my question.

Klapper: Okay well, to be honest, I feel like right now all I do is disappoint you, and I really don't need to add the extra responsibilities of being a boyfriend because I'm just going to keep letting you down. Plus your friends don't like me and..I just..don't know.

So, I know what I should have said at this point. I should have told him to take a hike, or that I'm so pleased he is content to fuck me whenever he wants without any responsibilities towards me but that isn't okay, or that if he doesn't want me as a girlfriend I will find someone else who will. But I didn't...I was...sort of in shock. I appreciated how honest of an answer that was, and that he didn't lie to me, but I was sort of stunned. In my mind, it's always that you meet someone, you spend time together and have sex, and if you continue to see each other it's moving towards a relationship.

So I was sort of fiddling with his shirt, avoiding eye contact, getting my emotional response under control, and trying not to show how upset that made me. And then he pulls me towards him, we kiss a little, and he asks if he can stay the night. SO confusing! You just told me you see me as nothing more than sex, but now you want to stay? Something I have explained to you is a really big deal for me? Again, I should have said no, but I didn't. So we washed up, I got into bed, and he pulled me close and cuddled me until I rolled away, and then I spent the rest of the night lying awake, wondering why I had said yes.

The next morning, we curled up, we had sex, we fell back asleep, and when we got up at 11 am he seemed annoyed to have slept in so late. I tried to explain that it wasn't a waste of time because he had lots of quality time with his friend Sarah...but he seemed to think that was a waste of time as well. Go figure.

So he is heading out the door, gives me a kiss, and is on his way out, but in the back of my mind I am remembering that when we emailed earlier in the week, he said we would be together Saturday night (/would go skiing Saturday but I had to nix that because I don't have any money). So I asked if we were still getting together tonight and he said, "well, I've got this birthday party thing to go to at Salt Hill, but maybe we can meet up, so let me know what you're up to."

Now keep in mind that I'm sure it's just him and his friends at the bar at Salt Hill, and there is no reason I couldn't just meet him there, but that was fine because I had plans for the evening as well. BUT, I was not about to be the one sending messages and waiting around, so I said, "well, no, YOU call ME and tell me what you're up to and where you're at, and we'll meet up." He said okay.

So Saturday night I went to a "fuck Valentine's Day" dinner, we all ate good food, told funny stories, and had a great time, but were all exhausted by 10 so we headed home. I went to bed around 11 and had not heard back from The Klapper. I got up this morning and had the expected text from 11:30 saying "hey, sorry for the late text, just got done with dinner and I'm going to bed."

So to sum, had a wonderful weekend with friends and an entirely predictable weekend with The Klapper. I know I deserve someone better, I know I need to end this, and I know that he SUCKS.

Quick Update

Thank goodness this has actually been a productive week work-wise. It's totally lame, but after being super sick, the crazy of preparing for San Antonio, going to the conference, and recovering/recruitment weekend, this is the first week that I actually feel like I am in control of my workload. That is not to say that I'm not reading articles at 11 am for lectures/talks at noon, but it's still feeling like a step up.

How sad is it when being able to work 9 hours, workout, eat dinner, and continue working at home is a big improvement in my life?

As for The Klapper, my playing "aloof" has sort of been working, but I also got sick of it and decided to be me. I promised myself that I would reject his first offer to hangout, and I actually feel slightly in control of things at the moment. He emailed me Monday night (he was gone through the weekend and Monday) to see if we could get together Wednesday before heads off to Boston on Thursday. I said I couldn't (lie, I could have). But it was nice to finally not work into his schedule, and I just know if he had he come Wednesday it would have been like "OMG I'm so stressed about Boston tomorrow I have 43 minutes of time to spend with you..".

He also was totally open about his schedule this weekend, so I made sure to get something planned for Friday with friends, so it was like "let's hang out Saturday unless you want to come join me and my friends on Friday." Sort of like..I am busy and have stuff going on too, so it can't always be about your schedule.

So, we are definitely on for Saturday and he might come join me Friday..but whatever..I'm sort of getting off on having some fucking control in this biyatch. GO me!

Another point of contention this week - why is it that when you're down financially you keep getting kicked in the ass? Seriously? First my coat broke on Saturday, which I think would take at least $80 to $150 to replace a solid winter coat that can protect me from these fucking -20 degree mornings. I decided to just be cold. Then I feel all smart because I found a dentist that had a coupon for a free initial consultation and x-rays (a $155 value)...and then they find a cavity. The first cavity I have ever had. How does one start getting cavities this late in life? So I had planned on an expensive cleaning ($130), but now I need to pull $166 out of my ass to fill a cavity. FUCK.

Finally, the worst insult to injury, I finally worked out my taxes for this year, and I was 100% excited about getting back $8,000 from the feds for my first-time homebuyers credit. But funny story about that - everyone made a big deal last year about how they extended the deadline from July 1st (bad) to September 1st (good), NOBODY bothered to mention that they didn't push back the contract date. So I signed my contract 5 days short of getting $8,000. Yeah..that one burned.

Anyway, moral is, being poor sucks.

Recruitment Weekend

It's 10:30 pm on Sunday and I am thinking to myself, what weekend?

Friday turned into a super long day at the office, I raced home to get in a workout, had dinner with the parents, and then we had to grab drinks with the new recruits at Canoe Club.

Saturday we had to get into work so we could meet with recruits in between interviews, show them around, answer questions, etc. Followed by wine and cheese, followed by shuttling around recruits between places because it was epic snowing, followed by beer and pizza, and then back to the bar.

On the plus side, a lot of the recruits were totally awesome. Last year we got through this and it was like "huh...so...nobody fun will come next year...shit". But the people this year were fun, and had personality, and seemed like the genuinely wanted to come to Dartmouth (many people apply but don't really want to move to NH..go figure). It's exciting for next year.

Sunday I tried to sleep in, get in a workout, make food for a Superbowl party, and attempt to get any work done for the weekend. Superbowl party was massive fun, but the Steelers lost, which sucked hugely.

So overall I didn't get any work done and I'm totally exhausted, but at least this bodes well for next year. I also made sure to get in a workout each day because I think that will help me pull out of the sucky negative place I've been in for the past few weeks / since moving to Hanover ;)

Also, no word from The Klapper over the weekend, but that was completely expected. He got an offer for a summer position at his top choice of firms and, because it's the business world, they fly them in for the weekend and pamper them from Thursday evening through Sunday morning. This is absolutely the only field where people beg you to come work for them. Blerg. He said he would text me sometime over the weekend and give me a call when he got home Sunday so we could get together, but I was not so foolish as to believe him or make any attempt at planning for this. At least I'm learning?

Back to Aloof

Oh this boy is so frustrating. I had been thinking about changing The Klappers' name on here, but it's definitely going to stick.

I know I am being unfair and irrational, because he has been incredibly busy traveling back and forth between NYC, Boston, and Hanover to do interviews and also trying to get school work done, but he has had NO time for me. Worse than not having time, he keeps telling me he will see me and then having to bail.

Take today - we have been trying to get together since before I went to San Antonio, had 5 failed attempts, and today was supposed to be our day after he bailed last night. Since it's a crazy snow day, he was going to come over at noon and we'd have the whole day together. So he doesn't even call until 1 pm, tells me he needs to run a few errands and then will come over..oh yeah, and he has a group meeting at 3:30. He can tell I am definitely annoyed by his late calling and then this, but he promises to come over after the group meeting so we can have dinner together. Plus, turns out he's in NYC Thursday-Sunday, so this was really the only chance we'd have for a bit.

So he comes over, we have amazing "I haven't seen you for a week and I am going to destroy you" sex, but then we start talking and it just seems exactly like before Winter Break when I was feeling totally used for sex. He tells me his birthday is coming up in two weeks, and there is a dance at the business school that night which only business students can go to. Lame! Why would you spend your birthday at this snooty elitist event when there is a hot girl (me..so..um..average girl) and a bunch of real friends from NYC wanting to take you out and show you a good night?!

And the rest of the conversation was also a lot of me asking him what he's doing this month and him telling me that so and so friend is coming to visit or throwing a party..but there is never any indication of me being included. I sort of awkwardly asked him to come hang out in the condo sometime in the next few weeks, but I think he brushed it off. There was actually this perfect moment when I was thinking "what on earth am I doing, this relationship is based on nothing but sex" and he turns to me and says "god, that sex was amazing". Perfect timing.

I was muddling over bringing some of this up to him, but then we had sex again, and then left for his group meeting, and of course he never made it back out.

He did call me tonight to chat, but while we were on this phone his friend stopped by and asked who he was on the phone with. "Oh, just a friend." Lovely. I send him semi-racy photos and fuck his brains out, and he comes and sees me when I'm sick and tells me he misses me, but I'm "just a friend". Rabble. I know it's not really something to make a big deal out of, but it was just inopportune timing.

I suppose at this point I can either reinstate my plan of being totally aloof (which seemed to work last time), or confront him and say "what is this relationship to you?". I feel like the former is passive-aggressive, and the later is a bit confrontational, which he doesn't respond well to. Especially since the last phone calls have basically consisted of me being disappointed, him feeling bad, and some tense jokes about him being reliably unreliable.

Why is it so hard to find someone in Hanover who is normal and who cares about me as much as my last boyfriends did?

Alright, whatever, back to watching Sky High.

A Story From the Past - The Dom becomes The Sub

So, I'm sitting here on yet another night in which The Klapper told me he would come see me if he could, but didn't commit and I find it getting later and later with no response. Blerg. I can't really bitch, because I know he is trying REALLY hard to see me and fit me into his crazy busy life, but I would so rather he just not suggest we see each other so I'm not all anxious and then let-down.

Given that I am a little too wound to work any longer, I decided to blog about a weird occurrence from this past fall.

So this was about mid-December, and these 3 girls who I can't stand but who men seem to flock to were having a party. Nobody wanted to go (again, these girls suck), but my Canadian friend wanted to hit up the party and we hadn't caught up in a very long time, so it seemed like a fine way to spend a Friday night. I had a quick dinner and got to her room long before the party so we could catch up. We were drinking amazing cocktails and somehow we looked up and realized it was time for the party and we had drank 3/4 of a liter of vodka. Woops! I should note that this was one of the coldest nights we had experienced so far, so we needed the booze jacket just to get to the party.

We showed up and it was a very strange mix of about 6 girls (including us) and a ton of guys. This should be something that works in my favor, but the dynamic was so bizarre it just felt like everyone was off. So we drank even more shots....and got way drunker. I should note that my Canadian friend was currently sleeping with a couple different guys at the party, so that was an entirely amusing dynamic for me to giggle about all night. Anyway, there were a ton of great guys at the party and I kept striking up great conversations with really cute men, but they kept leaving the party or getting dragged away by something else. Rabble. Here I am drunk, high, and totally looking for one of these guys to make good for the night and I'm just getting nowhere.

So I turn around and there is an ENORMOUS man (maybe 6'5" and built like a lineman) and we get to talking. I am drunk and over-confidant, and somehow we decide it would be a good idea to see who could stand outside for the longest wearing a t-shirt. We're standing on the porch and he is a few steps down, so I'm at eye level and feeling all kinds of cocky. Somehow my dominatrix work comes out in conversation, along with the fact that he grew up about 10 minutes from me and also did the go to DC route and then came to Dartmouth. Oh, and he's basically the most dominant person I've met. So..it seemed that I had met my equal.

He started slapping me on the ass, hard, and daring me to "be a dom", so I slapped him across the face. Hard. And it just kept escalating until we were in the front yard, wrestling each other to the ground and yelling at each other. He was, of course, 200 lbs of muscle more than me, so I lost every round and would basically be pinned to the freezing ground until I screamed out his name, per instruction.

We headed back inside and noticed the basement was warm, dark, empty, and had a couch in the corner. We go downstairs, I throw him down on the couch and straddle his enormous body. And we just stare each other down. Nobody makes a move. I admit that I probably would have, but I hadn't shaved my legs that night and was not feeling like initiating sex without perfectly clean legs. I said "go ahead and make your move." He says "come on, be a dom." So I lean in, and then get up and walk towards the stairs. He jumps up, grabs my arm, and throws me onto the couch. He pins one of my arms with his legs and holds the other up while he is obnoxiously tickling my armpit until I yell at some ridiculous statement about how amazing he is, how I am his bitch, whatever. This goes on a few times, and then he uses both legs to pin my arms so he can (1) tickle my armpit and (2) fumble around my crotch with his hand. At some point I had lost all feeling in my arms, so I told him get off me. So he did, he said "that is why you need to be with a man who actually know how to dominate a woman" and he walked upstairs, and he left the party.

I laid there for a moment or two in shock. Did that just happen? How did that not turn into sex? How long will these bruises last on my arms? What?!?

I wandered upstairs, the Canadian was too drunk to process my request to head home and refused to leave, so I went home. Amusingly enough, she told both guys she was fucking that she would meet them but then she passed out on the couch, so she had tons of missed calls from both guys wondering where she was. Giggle. She also had no idea where her coat was or what happened that night.

The next day, I went and looked this guy up on Facebook and found out he had a girlfriend (whose picture I have sent to some of you with the description that she looks like what I imagine Lady Gaga throwing up a fetus would look like). Was that why we didn't have sex? What guy pins a girl to a couch and fumbles around her crotch when he has a girlfriend who had been at the party that evening?

Either way, I must admit I appreciated having the turn of perspectives and the ability to see what the submissive is experiencing. I was absolutely not interested in the pain aspect, but I can enjoy the domination component and the feeling like someone else is in control. I wonder if I could feel that way about a guy who wasn't SO much bigger than me physically, because I feel that was the real attraction.

Anyway, that's the story. It was weird and distracted me from the fact that The Klapper still hasn't let me know if he's coming by tonight.