Happy Birthday to Me!

Thank you all so much for the wonderful birthday wishes! It's a nice reminder that I may be physically isolated but am still connected to many of you. Also, Kirstin, your present was awesome. I don't know where you find such awesome Japanese to English to Japanese to English stationary, but keep it up.

So, for my birthday I got to sleep super late (9:30 am!) and then had an awesome birthday happy hour with 12-15 of my closest friends. It was a bit out of control people wise, but I had a really great time. Also The Klapper came by around 6:15 and told me we had dinner reservations at my most favorite restaurant at 7:45 - which was really sweet because it meant that (1) he was willing to spend time with my friends at the bar and (2) he had thought about that ahead of time. Sweet right. Or..normal..but sweet by comparison to typical behaviors. So, we went to Stella's and had a fantastic dinner and some champagne, followed by awesome birthday sex (duh!). The only downside is that around midnight The Klapper left, I was still drunk, and I realized I had to be awake and able to comprehend neuroanatomy in 8 hours. Oh well, the annoyance of having a Tuesday birthday this year.

Overall, it was totally awesome and a great way to usher in 27 years.

I'm also starting to feel slightly more "with-it" following the craziness, and I actually had a solid little meeting with my adviser today about why I am frustrated with our current manuscript. Sometimes I seem glimpses of why I really liked her in the beginning, and that gives me hope that maybe I can get back there.

School is stupid

So let's talk about The Klapper. Or, which is to say, after turning in my exam (results in 2 weeks) I have had my neuroanatomy class at 8 am everyday, and done nothing else because my mind is scrambled. So, we'll talk about boys.

So first, we saw each other on Monday evening after he had been gone for 2 weeks. It was wonderful to see him, and he said all the things a girl wants to hear.

"I miss you. Not like..the sex part of you..but I missed seeing you and talking to you and being around you." (He said that one about 5 times).

"We shouldn't be apart for 2 weeks again."

Also, he was telling me a story about his friend, I was impressed, and he said "oh I see, bet you're starting to think you are dating the wrong guy..". What? Who am I dating?

So yeah..Monday night was great. And my god I needed the sex. Only night during my exam that I slept a full 8 hours.

So flash forward to Wednesday - I told him I finished my exam, he asked what I wanted to do to celebrate, I suggested we run away to the condo in VT Friday, and with a bit of plan tweaking he was game. Exciting!

Friday comes, he is a little frazzled about how much work he has to do, but he comes and gets me around 5 and we head to the condo.

I was a little worried at first. Something like "okay, we never spend more than 3 hours together and 99% of that time we are having sex...what if we have nothing to talk about?" But, of course, that was a silly worry because we never had an awkward pause, I think we learned a lot about each others lives, families, etc., and the whole time we were giggling and laughing.

So, we got to Ludlow, went to pick up breakfast and beer, and then had dinner at my favorite ridiculous place (The Loft). We were at the bar and this couple next to us clearly wanted to be our best friends and talk to us the entire time. At one point, they turn to us and ask "so, how long have you two been dating". I secretly smile and look to The Klapper, who says "um..I guess since October or November? Right?". I nod, secretly thanking the crazy guy next to us for asking this question.

And then we had a wonderful night of sex and hot tubs and showers and sex. Which is basically my idea of heaven. The next morning I was worried he would want to get up at 7 am or some ungodly early hour and go skiing, but we ended up sleeping in and making a big breakfast, and lounging on the couch until about noon when we got it together to go skiing.

Had a wonderful day skiing (I think I impressed the boy), and then we had to pack up and head home. But, I think it is a major win that our first 24 hour date went super well and it seemed like both of us could have been happy to make it longer if we didn't have other things we needed to do.

Now of course, all of the above is fine and dandy, but ultimately leads me to say "BUT WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS GOING?!?!" Ugh..I am such a chick. I know I should just be happy that I am getting laid, but it's really hard when you're enjoying a post-sex cuddle and then your mind says "wait, don't get too attached to this, it's entirely fleeting..".

I suppose I will have some clarity soon enough as he will be leaving to spend the summer in NYC come the end of May. And for now, I think I will just try to enjoy having someone who says sweet things to me and (hopefully) takes me out on my birthday.

Worst 7 Day of My Life

..that haven't involved a hospital visit.

I haven't slept since 9 am Tuesday (it's current 11 am Wednesday), but at least it's done, and I have about 2 weeks before I get informed that I failed.

hate hate hate

Day 5 Update: Shit

Arghhh! Today was bad enough that I broke down and bought Pandora One..if that doesn't show a lack of good judgment, I don't know what does.

The question(s) I wanted to tackle today involved designing a study, with the second part to be a critique and ways to adapt the study to investigate other aspects. I got right down to business at 9:30 this morning and....nothing. Design a study! This is not something you just slop together, especially when the question is from your own adviser. Also, the aspects of the study we need to focus on are VERY far out of my comfort zone..I'm not even sure I know what methodology would allow me to look at this.

So fuck. I spent all day bashing my head against the desk (and going to brunch with the family) and I finally made myself sit down and right anything. I have a finished study but it doesn't really address the question. Shit.

So it's about 10 pm and I have given up on that one for the day and decided to stay up for another 4 hours or so answering a different question. That way I will be done with everything else and can spend Monday-Tuesday focusing on this fucking study design and then proofreading.

Damnit Damnit Damnit. Hate Hate Hate.

Day 4 Update: How can each day get worse?

Actually, I can answer that question pretty easily. Each day you have just that much less motivation/cognitive energy BUT you also put off the harder questions until later. So, it's basically a marathon where the last 1/2 is all uphill. Shit.

Still making progress and I've got 8 of 11 essays finished. No time for running today, but I had dinner with friends and I think that was probably just as revitalizing. I'm also on beer #3 for the night. Qualifying exam = alcoholism...it's a fact (40 Helens Agree!).

Also, The Klapper sent me some very cute texts today at a critical moment when I needed some positive reinforcement. How unlike him to come through when he's needed? I suppose it doesn't count since he didn't know he coming through. Either way, current plan is that I finish 2 more essays tomorrow, do my final one Monday, and then The Klapper will be back around 7 pm and we'll get dinner and I will channel all this neurotic energy into FUCKING THE HEAD OFF HIM. Seriously...this was NOT the 2 weeks I would have picked to be lacking any channel for crazy aside from eating.

Signing off.

Day 3 Update: Multiple Beers

I have to admit, waking up today and thinking "wow, you worked really hard yesterday, now do it all again today, and tomorrow, and the day after..." was highly demotivating. Highly. It's almost like all the effort from the day before doesn't count. Blerg.

On a positive note, I got 2 new essays done tonight and fixed the incomplete essay from the first day. That bring my total to 6 of 11 essays finished in the first 3 days (really 2.5 days). For the record, that brings me to 28 pages of text and a FUCKTON of citations. OMG..the citations have taken so long.

On the healthy notes, I went running again today and really hope to keep up working out each day. I have also basically OD'd on crap food and went with an orange today instead of chips, cookies, chocolate...etc. I did have my Dr. Pepper though. And I guess Subway is sort of junk.

Also, my brother surprised me by taking me out to dinner on his way from the condo in VT to Boston. I was a little "smeh" about it because we typically exist as two people fully disinterested in each others' lives, BUT, tonight was awesome. I had a good meal, we vented about parents, he listened to my crazy workload ramblings, and it was really nice and motivated me to go home and finish 2 questions.

Anyway, that's all. I've had several drinks tonight since 5pm and I think it's time for bed.

Day 2 Update: Drinking a Beer

As well as yesterday went, I just could not turn off my brain last night and I didn't fall asleep until 4 am. Ugh. Regardless, I hit the ground limping today and managed to write 2 awesome (seriously!) essays, which keeps me right on track.

I also broke down and bought some beer to help me relax at night, and I have to admit that (1) I feel more relaxed and (2) it was exactly what I needed to get me through the last hour of work tonight.

So, overall, things are going..okay? I'm totally exhausted, but really happy with the work I produced. Though, I've written about 23 pages in 1.5 days, and I'm only 30% done..so..that's a little discouraging.

Hopefully tomorrow will be just as productive!

Happy St. Patty's Day to all you bastards who are out drinking and having fun like normal people.

Day 1 Update

So after all my fretting and worrying, I got the exam today (an hour early and 1/3 of my questions missing until this afternoon) and it's not terrible. It's not easy, but the questions are hard because you think "oh gosh, there are 60 articles I can think of that relate to this topic and many different ways to answer it" as opposed to "What the fuck does this question ask? And what does that word mean?!? FUCK."

First, I was expecting 15 questions which would require me to do over 2 essays a day BUT, I only got 11 questions, which is far more manageable. I'm slightly annoyed that only 1 person gave me questions length suggestions (the other two said "use your judgment"), but I'm just going to assume 3-6 pages is find for those. If anything, my problem has always been writing too much, so I imagine my bigger challenge will be avoiding tangents and reigning myself back in.

At the end of the first day I have 1 essay completely done, another essay basically written but I need to go back and integrate the citations and round out my arguments a bit, and I've started to develop the outline on a third question. Not bad for day 1 right?

Also, I found out I passed my stats final and the class, which was a nice relief.

Finally, The Klapper called me today and we talked for 45 minutes. It was a nice surprise, and it was interesting to me that (I apologize in advance for this sentence) he was surprised that I was surprised that he called and had texted during the week. Like, it's interesting that he assumed we would talk and touch base while he is gone for 2 weeks. I really had no expectations of this (why would I, we're not dating..), but it's nice. There was also a lot of "I miss you", "I'm ready to be back", etc. And, I was talking about the crazy that is Amanda's wedding and he was like "oh, should I not come with you to Key West if you need to study?" This was surprising only because I had assumed there was 0% chance he was coming. Apparently he was still considering it?

So, per usual, The Klapper leaves me scratching my head but at least smiling if I don't let myself think too much about how confusing his words versus actions are. And for this week, I need some extra smiles.

Okay, back to writing, just needed a break.

How did you get so fat?!?!

So it's the night before I get my qualifying exam, and I'm feeling pretty good about my preparations (got a run in today, cleaned the house, reviewed all of my readings, and came up with some possible questions and which articles I would use to answer them).

Also, today, my friends dropped by with an AMAZING gift bag for me filled with junk food and some inspirational/encouraging notes. Why am I telling you this? Because I feel a compelling need to catalog just how much shitty food currently resides in my condo.

Things that I Bought/Made:
* Amazing, healthy, satisfying chicken-rice-lentil soup. 11 containers, it will last me.
* Wasabi Peas (self-limiting, I can only eat so many).
* Chocolate chips (self-limiting, I eventually get nauseous).
* Peanuts
* Oranges
* Frozen strawberries
* Seltzer (tons!).
* Dr. Pepper
* Gum.
* 1 bag of Lays potato chips.

...see how good I was trying to be.

Things My Friends Gave Me:
* Giant bag of dark-chocolate covered raisins.
* Chips Ahoy.
* Cooler Ranch Doritos.
* Smartfood.
* Strawberry Poptarts (ewl, I won't eat those).
* Giant bag of peanut M&M's.
* Medium box of plain M&M's.
* Milk chocolate bunny holding a carrot made of M&M's.
* Cadbury mini-eggs.
* Sour Patch kids.
* Peppermint candies.

....see how fat I am going to be.

Whatever, I really appreciate my friends doing this. Now I just hope I don't fail.

Blogger Creates Stats - this is ridiculous

Okay, just one more thing. I stumbled on the "Stats" tab for my blog, and they have so many ridiculous stats. Of highest humor value, they have a breakdown of page views by country:

US: 1,973 views
Russia: 205 views
Canada: 65 views
Vietnam: 36 views
Latvia: 29 views
China: 26 views
Columbia: 26 views
UK: 25 views
Ukraine: 25 views
Netherlands: 24 views

So...(1) really? Latvia? What? (2) Sorry to China about all the Fall 2010 posts....

The calm before the HOLY FUCKING SHIT STORM

Let's see...where did we leave off last? Oh yes, how happy I was for a brief moment in time until the panic set back in.

I spent the week in full-on panic mode about my stats final and in the end...I'm pretty sure I bombed it but the professor will likely pass me anyway. So...win? Yes. Win! I won't know until tomorrow, but I think it'll be fine.

The weekend was very low key - Friday night I went to my friends' house, we made dinner, I played with their cats, I was home by 10. Saturday night we went to Chilis (which, by the way, was HAPPENING on Saturday night..apparently the place to be!) and actually had a good time joking and sort of closed out the place. Still home by 11.

And the rest of the time I have been in an incredibly high state of negative arousal anticipating this 7-day qualifying exam. I can logically work through why there is no reason to freak out, but at this point, I just want to get this fucking thing going and over with. All the readings are done and I will spend tomorrow outlining possible questions (sort of like preparing for an alien invasion by boarding the door shut..you know it's not going to do anything, but you need to feel like you have at least prepared the best you can for the unknown). I am a little excited to also spend tomorrow grocery shopping for all the terrible things I want to eat that I will need to get me through this exam. Let me tell you - trying to lose weight before a stats final and a 7-day exam..sort of stupid, but at least I know what needs to be done when I finish this bad bear. And for now, I will enjoy wasabi peas and chocolate covered raisins and Dr. Pepper as much as I want.

Frankly, with The Klapper being out of town (= no sex) and all this negative affect due to stats/anticipation, I have been eating like 10,000 calories per meal so this REALLY isn't the time to worry about weight.

Um..last little vent because I am always shocked at just how much fate tends to work against me. Amanda, don't read this.

So I was super proud of myself for working out a financial solution to the hotel-issue for this wedding in May, and I decided it was time to book a flight.

OH FUCK - I have an enormous neuroanatomy test the Monday after her wedding. A test that my peers report studying from Thursday-Sunday almost non-stop in order to pass. Wonderful!

Then I go to look at flights and realize that it's fucking expensive as shit to get from nowhere (Hanover, NH) to nowhere (Key West, FL). It's expensive because you need to take a ton of flights. Awesome. I decided that 2 hours of sleep was worth an extra $60, so here is how my weekend is going to play out:

Friday: up at 7 am to get the 7:30 bus from Hanover to Boston. Fly from Boston to NYC. NYC to Miami. Miami to Key West. Arrival time around 4:30 pm.

Saturday: Amanda's wedding. Oh, and studying. Massive studying. Fuck. And then a super late of night of boozing and celebrating how much I love her and Joey.

Sunday: Up at...6 am? 6:30 am? 8 am flight from Key West to Miami. Miami to Newark. Newark and Boston. 2 hour bus ride from Boston to Hanover. Arrival time....8 pm.

Monday: Up at 6:30 am to get to my neuroanatomy exam. Followed by a special laboratory session of neuroanatomy.

And all this for the low price of $700 (travel + lodging, not including anything else).

The worst part was, I called my mom to vent my frustrations but said upfront "I don't want advice, I just want you to agree this sucks and let me feel unhappy and upset about it"...but no..she got all bitchy and "you won't be getting any sympathy from me". Very uncharacteristic of her, I must say. NOT the support I need right now.

Okay, that vent felt good. Off to spend tomorrow preparing. Expect to see a frantic, rambling, tear-filled post sometime between Wednesday at noon and next Wednesday at noon.

Les Tired

It's about 10 pm, so I decided to call it a night work-wise and tell ya'll how much fun I had hanging out with Kirstin and Chris Monday/Tuesday.

Monday I went to my last stats class, got the final, went to a meeting, and then braved a snowstorm to drive to Okemo, but it was worth it. Monday night was a relaxing, work-free zone and I had a great time catching up, watching bad movies, and just chilling.

Tuesday I had the BEST day of skiing I can remember in the entire time that I have skied. It was warm, but not so warm that things got slushy, and cool enough that you didn't get too hot skiing but weren't wondering if you had frostbite the entire time. Beautiful blue sky, empty mountain, and perfectly groomed conditions / entertaining ungroomed trails that had enough powder to not be terribly scary.

Awkward Jesus came and joined us, and we spent the day racing down the mountain and only stopped briefly for lunch. Had a few drinks and dinner at the bar, and then headed home with clean laundry and ready to get right back to reading for my qualifying exam.

Sometimes a day off, no matter how physically exhausting, can really revitalize you mentally. Hit the ground running on my stats final and qualifying exam reading today, and just trying to make it through the 23rd when I can be done with both forever.

Speaking of..dieting before this month was really stupid. I've undone all that work in like..12 hours. Oh well. Also, The Klapper is blissfully gone until the 19th so he isn't witnessing my complete unraveling as I sink into a pit of work and find myself crouched in the corner eating chocolate chips.

21st Century Prostitution

Also known as my relationship with The Klapper. Okay, I exaggerate, but only a bit.

So, the week was decent. Spent most of my time preparing for my qualifying exam, but got out Thursday night to take one of my favorite research assistants out to the pub and knock back some beers. It's always nice when you are a little worried about if you will sit down with someone and have nothing to talk about, but 4 hours later we had to pull ourselves away. So it was great. I also ran into Levon, which is amazing, because somehow he has managed to stay in Hanover to "start a band that changes the way people think about life, and music, and stuff". Love.

Friday I had a nice relaxing dinner with my friend whose wife is out of town, and we opted to rent Easy A, get a 6 pack and eat knock-off Oreos instead of driving into Hanover and getting shit-faced with everyone else.

Saturday my parents came up for lunch and then my friend hosted a Mexican fiesta/poker night, and then I hung out with The Klapper and his friend. More on that later.

And Sunday (today) and I did a shit-ton of reading, went to my advisers house to feed her cat (ugh, yes, seriously), and may have had a ridiculous KFC indulgence trip.

So..The Klapper.

Last week we were hanging out and he mentioned that his friend was coming in Friday and maybe we could all hang out and grab dinner and then he (The Klapper) could stay at my place Saturday night. Especially since he is leaving for 2+ weeks for Spring Break, I liked that he was making an effort to get time in with me.

So what really happened? The Klapper came over Friday afternoon at 4:30-ish, we had sex, he finished up his finals while I did work, and then left at 6:30 to buy socks and get an oil change before he picked up his friend. He said he would grab dinner with his friend, they were going to play beer pong (sigh), and then we could maybe meet up at the bar if I was already out. He was quite clear that I should not make a separate trip to see him and we should only meet up if I was already out. Um..okay. Did he plan to say over Saturday night? He wasn't sure, he needed to ask his friend how he felt about sleeping on the floor.

If you read above, we never met up. We talked at 11 pm and he was playing pong at some house party (which he wouldn't let me come join him at). He offered me staying over Saturday night or lunch on Sunday. I...was like..seriously? He seemed genuinely surprised and put out that I wanted him to stay over Saturday night. Whatever.

So Saturday I went about with my plans and I did end up leaving my friend's party to meet him and his friend at the bar. And true to his word, we did actually get to hang out for a while and he did come and stay with me, so that is good.

BUT, this morning, we woke up at 8 am, cuddled/slept until 9, and then he was like "oh shit, my friend and I are going to get in a 1/2 day of skiing so I need to text him". So..we're lying there, naked..and he is texting with his friend and tells him he'll be back in a moment and they can go.

....I basically gave him a look with my eyes that said "if you think you are leaving this bed without fucking me before you're gone for 2 weeks you can forget about it". So, we had semi-awkward 15 minute sex, and he shot out the door. I recognize that his friend is here and stuff, but who would make early morning ski plans? What friend wouldn't be like "no man, have sex with your fuck-buddy and then we can head out".

The kicker was that I sent him an email and he responded and said something about how wonderful brunch was at the place down the street from me. Okay so, you ran out of my place to ski with your friend and you decided to go get lunch 5 minutes away from me instead? I like brunch! Why can't I go?

Either way, the only real benefit was that he clearly felt bad which majorly benefited me in terms of booking a hotel in Key West for Amanda's wedding. We agreed that I would pay him $200 and he would use his reward points to book me a hotel, so he finally booked tonight and he booked the WAY nicer hotel that is super close to the wedding instead of the more reasonable priced hotel that is farther away.

So, at least I am getting a nice hotel room in exchange for the sex and for letting him completely dictate every aspect of our relationship.

Other news: workout/diet is going well, though my knees are pissed from running. I hate school and want to cry (stats final all this week and qualifying exams start next week). And Kirstin and Chris are at my parent's condo for the week so I'll be with them Monday and Tuesday. Exciting!