Always penis pictures

I know I didn't write a weekend updated, but I wanted to write an annoyed threesome update instead.

So, I thought that a nice happy couple would be an awesome way to re-enter the single world. It's almost certainly incorrect, but I feel like couples are more careful about safe sex, and it was nice to not have to worry about relationship stuff and just have some enjoyable and possibly regular sex.

So I responded to a Craigslist post, and the guy got back to me the next day. Something like "we're actually not a couple, we're just no-strings-attached sexual partners, and she typically likes petite girls but I'll see what she says. Yada Yada."

So, that is fine, I responded with "No worries - people like what they like. Good luck!"

But he was like "well I think you look great, maybe we could get together."

That seemed okay, right? So I said "yeah sure, send me a picture".

So he did, and he looked...fine? Nothing amazing, but fine. A little older but like..come on..would that ever be a problem for me? So I asked what his schedule was like.

He responds with the most classic Craigslist response possible: "Here is my availability..blah blah blah..oh BY THE WAY I'm married, so let me know if that's a problem or you are scared or you think I'm a jerk."

Um..YES! That is a problem! WTF!?

So I don't think it is my place to judge, but there is absolutely no way I would be okay with this. I respond and tell him as much, as politely as possible, and just explain that I have some remaining guilt about being the other woman in another relationship, I am sure that won't happen with his wife, but it is something I will never do again. Good luck!"

His response: "You wouldn't be breaking up anything. I'm very capable of separating sex from my relationship. Too bad u wont at least meet. I'm sane.....clean.....extremely sexual."

I didn't respond.

Next email: "Bummer......i think you'd find me very different if you'd give it a try."

Okay..fine..I will respond: "I am sure you are a great and very fun guy, but I have strong feelings about not being involved in any sort of situation where someone is being cheated on."

His response: "well....i can respect that.....live is difficult at best.....i have my reasons.....many of which are hard for others to understand...but the biggest is i'm a multi time cancer survivor..and now i'm living my life to enjoy each day. I can't get out of the situation i'm in without ruining myself financially and losing my kids...so this is what i'm doing...i know i can do it without being caught...oh well...it's a real bummer...you're really cute...love your 'curves' :)"

Okay, SERIOUSLY? Am I supposed to read that and think "oh gosh, he's a cancer survivor...that means his wife is immune to catching sexually transmitted diseases or having her heart broken by a cheating husband." Do men think this will really work?

I didn't bother responding - he followed it up with a set of penis pictures (seriously guys, unless you are packing 11 inches of heat, probably best to just not send these..they never look impressive) and then another email this morning telling me that the family was gone and he has the house to himself and we could have had a great time tonight. Oh wonderful, remind me that you are sneaking around on your family, that will totally win me over.

Another Craigslist fail. We were sitting around the pool reminiscing about all the blind dates my first year, and Motorcycle Dick came up. You would think I would eventually learn right?

What to say - The Klapper is Gone

At least for the summer.

What to say. So we had plans for his last night (Thursday) for him to come over, I was going to make dinner, we'd spend the night..it would be solid.

So he emails me Wednesday to say like "blah blah blah..I got roped into judging this stock tournament so I will have to leave at 8, does that work for you?" Blerg. What am I supposed to say to that? So I said it was okay, we could meet up in the afternoon.

Sidenote: I had also desperately tried to get him to come have sex with me Wednesday (sometimes you just have those weeks, ya know), but he was too drunk.

So he emails me Thursday morning with a forwarded email about this tournament and it is actually from 7 to 10 and they need him there at 6:30. So I will get him from 3 to 6.

What the fuck. I'm pissed. But what can I do ya know? I thought about just saying "fuck it..I'll see you in September", but that just isn't my style.

So he doesn't show up until 3:30 because packing ran late. I was sitting outside so we went over to sit by my pool. We talked for a while and then he asked "so what are we having for dinner?"

I said, "Yeah I'm not making you dinner".

He said, "...you're mad about tonight aren't you?"

And this opened up Pandora's box. And I basically said everything I have wanted to say to him for 8 months but had never had the balls or motivation to do. About how letting me hang out with his friends would free up his schedule and let me spend more time with him. About how we are always rushing around his schedule. About how he should WANT to spend his last night with me (he tried to suggest that I should have told him not to judge this stupid tournament) and it shouldn't be because I asked him to spend time with me. I never got bitchy, I always put it in the light of "the way you treat me makes me feel really terrible about myself", and we just talked for a long time about all this complicated relationship stuff. Also, since we were already in this bad place, I saw no reason to not just put it all on the table and say "either you don't want a relationship (so you shouldn't leave me on) or I am simply not good enough for you (so you shouldn't keep seeing me), but either option makes me feel like shit."

In the end, I'm not really sure what to say about progress from this conversation. He was near tears, so I know that things got through to him and he finally understands that his actions hurt my feelings, but I suppose I also need to realize that he is legit when he says he doesn't want a girlfriend. And I did tell this to him - that I recognize that he said this in the beginning, but that he has changed a lot from the beginning and it's not unfair of me to think that maybe his feelings had changed.

So we both got sad for a while. I do feel vindicated that at some point he said "I feel like shit. You are such an amazing girl, really everything I could ever want, and all you want is to spend more time with me..and I don't give you that, but I'm also not doing things that make me happy instead." Maybe he'll take that to heart. Or not.

Obviously because this is me, we found a way to come back to baseline emotions which lead to a round of amazing sex. He begged to come back after the tournament, and I said okay, but that ran late (shocker), so he ended up coming by in the morning to say goodbye.

I was pretty sad when he left, but a night of sleep and a good apartment clean made me feel much better. And much more realistic about the fact that this will probably never be the relationship I want

Of course, we were out last night (Sunday) and he sends me a text at 2 am telling me how much he misses me. We texted back and forth a few times, and basically every single text from him was "I miss you so much, already." Confusing right?

Whatever - I am going to keep trying to meet new people and date here, and I guess I'll just see where things go with this. One thing is for sure, I don't want to do this next year. I'm fine with things being undefined for the summer, but I think (meaning hope, I hope) that I have the strength to shut this down next year if it's going to be more of the same. I'm worth it right?

P.S. Sorry if this is a tough post grammatically/logically. I slept very little last night and I really am not even sure what I am feeling about everything - so it's hard to put it all down in a coherent way. Unrelated, I will post about all the fun I had this weekend tomorrow.

I am a CHAMP

Got a 90 on my exam from Monday (2/20 wrong).

Also, I had a talk with The Klapper on Monday about us not being exclusive over the summer. It didn't go as planned, partly because we had just had sex and I was glowing, and partly because I am so ruined from my time with Mr. Big that I do everything I can to avoid confrontations. Even when those confrontations are warranted.

So it went something like this:

Me: Hey, can we have a potentially awkward talk about the summer tonight so we don't have to ruin Thursday night?

The Klapper: (Visibly stiffens in preparation for crazy).

Me: Oh no, you're fine, I was just thinking a bit more and I definitely want to come see you over the summer, I just don't want to put this whole "exclusive" confine on things.

The Klapper: (Doesn't say anything)

Me: .....because your schedule sounds really busy, and I know that I will start to get bitter and bitchy when I can't see you. So let's just avoid that, and you can do your thing, and I will do my thing, and we don't need to worry about what the other one is up to.

The Klapper: Okay, that makes sense.

Now obviously I am pissed at myself for not using this opportunity to be like "Oh yeah, we're not exclusive because you treat me like crap and refuse to let me be anything but the chick you are banging", but whatever. The clear upside for y'all is that this summer I will be single and on the prowl.

I just responded to a Craigslist post for an on-going threesome.

This should be a fun summer to blog about. I will MAKE this a fun summer to blog about.

Amanda's Wedding!!!!! Post 3 of 3.

This post could also be titled "A top contender for the worst day of my life".

So, it's 6:30 am.....and I have no idea what is going on. I decide to go back to sleep, but then I remembered that I made a cab reservation for 6:40 am, and started to put the pieces together. I got ready, checked out, got to the cab, and made it to the airport.

But I'm still totally drunk.

Somehow I got through the check-in process and made it through security with only a few blips (like..ya know..losing my boarding passes...little things). Luckily I was the only person going through, so they could help me along.

I reach my gate, the adrenaline wears off and I realize that I feel like I am going to throw up. I go to the bathroom, but it's so quiet that I am too embarrassed to throw up and let the 2 or 3 people in the bathroom know what is going on. How do anorexics do it? Plus, I felt like I could manage.

They start to board our flight and I walk out and realize we are getting on a 12-person prop plane. Oh fuck. No bathroom, no air-vents from the ceiling. OBVIOUSLY I threw up as we started to land in Tampa. You might think "oh good, at least she got it out and probably started to feel better". No. Absolutely not.

I threw up again at the Tampa airport, and twice on the flight from Tampa to Newark. And obviously I had window seats so I had to ask people to move so I could haul ass to the bathroom. Not that they weren't both fully on alert as I spent the entire flight hunched over, with my hands covered my face, holding the barf bag in front of me. Oh right, hunched over and falling asleep, but having to throw up whenever I started to drift off. Magic.

So we get to Newark, and I laid out on a seat in the terminal and called my mom and cried because I actually didn't know if I could handle getting back on a plane. It was that bad. But of course, I did get back on the plane, and spent another hour in the air in between a 13 year old girl and an old woman, as I again hunched over and felt horribly embarrassed to be that girl.

So I finally get to the Boston, and have a 2 hour wait for my bus back to Dartmouth. Which was great, because I had absolutely no idea how to find where I pick up the bus and was not in any shape to figure it out. I called everyone at Dartmouth until someone picked up and walked me through the process.

And finally I got on the bus, threw up one last time in the bathroom (oh ya know, just for good measure), and finally got home around 9 pm. I drank some water, showered, and was in bed by 10 pm.

And that brings us to this morning. I woke up at 5 am so I could study for my 8 am exam (which clearly didn't happen yesterday), and I actually think the test went fine. So I have managed to hold down a bagel (hooray solid food), but feel completely disgusting from chugging 2 mugs of tea and a Dr. Pepper before the exam.

And now I have meetings and dissection laboratories from 12 to 4:30. I honestly can't imagine how I am going to hunch over a brain and not vomit. Should be fun!

And tonight, I might be seeing The Klapper, but that will depend on if I am alive. I hate to admit it, but I really missed him over this weekend and I'm getting pretty damn sad that he is leaving for the summer. Stupid emotions. Also, why does sex keep getting better!?! It makes things so much harder.

Okay, off to meetings. Hope you enjoyed reading these super-long posts, and I can only imagine that you are getting an extra laugh from all the typos this surely contains.

Amanda's Wedding!!!!! Post 2 of 3.

So Saturday morning I woke up unfortunately early due to the fact that The Westin apparently doesn't believe in real curtains. I should have studied but instead I wandered around the marina and the streets, looking through all the stores, having a great little breakfast, and just soaking in some sunshine and beautiful scenery.

Amanda's wedding was around 2 pm, and it was just the most beautiful ceremony. They held it on a little private terrace at the resort over the water, and Amanda looked so beautiful in her dress with this gorgeous background and the sunshine. Obviously all of us were crying like little babies.

And then I ran home and changed (my dress was super cute but could not have been a heavier material - obviously had to go), and they had a little cocktail reception with drinks and amazing fried seafood appetizers. Because I am an idiot, I basically ordered every single drink from the specialty menu (when the waiters are laughing at your 7th drink order in 2 hours..it's...it's a bad sign).

Next we moved across the street to a beautiful restaurant that they had rented out and had an absolutely fantastic 4 course meal and SOOO much fucking booze. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me. I remember champagne (2 glasses), Manhattans (..4? 5? 6?), car bombs, and there are pictures of other shots on Facebook with my name tagged, but I really don't remember drinking those.

Oh right..the Facebook pictures. There is like..a 1-2 hour sliver of the night that I don't really remember but there are pictures. Like...dancing around and grabbing Amanda's ass pictures. I don't actually remember any of the dancing, but I do remember making a speech to introduce their first dance (please God I hope that went as okay as I remember it going), and I think I sang a little with the band. Whatever, it was a blast.

So that ended and we headed back to their hotel so people could change into bathing suits, and we spent the next few hours by the pool (and seriously, dangling your feet in the water after walking around Key West all day felt amazing). This is a lot less hazy, and I remember getting pretty cozy with her cousin by the pool (water footsies!).

After that, the party started to break up and her cousin and I walked over to the pier and found some chairs and hung out for a bit longer enjoying the cool breeze and the moonlight. Despite what you are all rightfully assuming happened next, we didn't hook up or even kiss. I was just so exhausted and sweaty and drunk, and he is going through a divorce and was surely pretty gun shy about making any first moves. So eventually we walked back to my hotel, said good night, and that was the end of it. He lives in Boston, so I might decide to pursue this further over the summer. We'll see.

So..now it's about 4 am. I packed (no recollection of this), passed out in bed, and was completely drunk and disoriented when my alarm went off at 6:25 am. Which leads to post 3 of 3.

Amanda's Wedding!!!!! Post 1 of 3.

Ah, what a crazy weekend mixed with such incredible highs and all the predictable lows associated with traveling and heavy drinking. I'm going to split this up into 3 posts for shortness purposes.

Friday: Woke up at 6:30 am, the bus from Hanover to Boston was obviously delayed, and I of course got stuck with the old man on the bus sleeping on my shoulder and the old lady fully reclined in the seat in front of me. First flight went fine.

Second flight: All boarded and ready to leave in NY, and suddenly our concourse looses power. Yes, the entire fucking concourse at Laguardia. So we can't pull away from the terminal because they can't lift the walkway to the plane. So we sat on the tarmac for about an hour until things were fixed. Please note that I had 40 minutes to make my connection in Miami without the delay.

Third flight: We pull in at 5:25 pm. I sprint the entire length of the concourse (gate 20 to gate 60) and make it to my gate at 5:30, only to be told that the flight has already boarded and (despite it being a 5:40 departure) I can't get on the flight. So obviously I start bawling like a little bitch because I am just so tired and so frustrated. At this point, a man I can only describe as Larry David's exact double says "okay, we're going for drinks and dinner, we'll get on the next flight, let's pull you together". So I actually had a perfectly lovely 4 hours with this guy who had basically spent his entire life traveling and had amazing stories of all the places he visited and an amazing recount of a stroke in Argentina that almost killed him.

So finally, around 9 pm, we board a tiny little shit plane and take off. OBVIOUSLY the automatic pressurization component fails on the flight so we spend about 20 minutes with the worst ear pain and have to drop our altitude to try to make things better.

Okay, so I land around 10 pm. Find my way to the hotel (beautiful), run to CVS, take a super-fast shower, and go and meet Amanda and everyone else for the night. I had told myself I would take it easy and be back by midnight.

Nope. We all gathered on the beach at their hotel with some beers and drank and hung out and caught up. Then we headed over to a dance club around 1:30 am and danced until maybe 3 am? Probably wasn't the smartest choice, but I had a great time!

Also...when asked about cute single men at her wedding, Amanda had told me that her cousin who lives in Boston might be just my type and maybe we would hit it off (quiet, nerdy, tall, dark). He was pretty quiet at first, but we danced together for while Friday night and he was pretty adorable when I tried to leave and he wanted me to stay and keep dancing.

So that was Friday! Next post.

I'm a stupid slut, apparently

or so The Klapper seems to think. Kind of. I honestly don't know what this boy is thinking when he talks to me.

So we had plans this Saturday to head up to the parents' condo. I knew he had some bbq thing Saturday, so I waited until 4 something to give him a call and see what was up. So I called him at 4...he said he was a little drunk, and felt terrible from eating his body weight in meat at this bbq. Oh, and he needed to be back by 1 on Sunday for a group project. Okay.

Me: Should we maybe just not go up to VT? Since you're a little drunk and it seems like you have a bunch of things going on.

Klapper: No! I've been looking forward to this all week, and besides, I am skipping my semi-formal tonight to spend time with you.

Me: You..didn't have to do that. You can go to your party. I would understand.

Klapper: Eh..I would rather spend the night with your boobs than go to the semi-formal.

Me: You could have done both....

Klapper: Yeah...I'm okay when you're out with your friends or without me in your little low cut dresses, but I'm not okay with my friends seeing you like that and staring at your boobs.

Me: *silence*

Klapper: Right? Ya know what I mean.

Me: Um..so..ahh...just...ugh...come get me at 5.


I don't think it is me over-reacting to say that he basically insinuated that I dress like a giant whore and he is embarrassed to be seen with his slut-bag non-girlfriend around his proper conservative business school friends.

So I called him and basically said "wow, you really hurt my feelings. And explained to him that he basically just explained to me why he never lets me meet his friends - because he thinks I'm a giant slut. Wonderbar."

He of course said he was trying to be funny, and he loves the way I look/dress, and he just likes having alone time with me to escape from his friends.....I obviously think that he truly meant what he said.

He asks if he can come by so we can talk about this in person instead of over the phone, and I let him. He plays the same cards as Mr. Big whereby instead of trying to do everything he can to make it up to me, he gets all sad and depressed because he hurt my feelings...and then my nurturing instincts kick in and I try to make them feel better.

I totally hate myself.

We of course made up, went to VT and had an amazing night and morning together. So, ya know..I'm going to enjoy having the free luxury hotel room from him in Key West, and before he leaves for the summer I'm going to explain that I don't want to be "exclusive" or anything approximating that over the summer, and this is due to the fact that this relationship is not really what I want and certainly not something I can pine away over for 3 months while he's away.

Other than that, the weekend was fun. Went to an awesome dissertation celebration bbq on Thursday, did happy hour drinks in the sunshine and then a night of drinking Friday night, and caught up on sleep and relaxed a bit over the weekend. And I totally deserved that break after freaking out all week about a grant that was due on Friday at noon which my adviser did not give me feedback on until 10 am on Friday. Good times...at least it got it.

Okay, caffeine is kicking in and it's time to get a little work done.

Two weekend update

Woops, realized I missed last weekend, but there was nothing all that amazing to report because I spent most of it study for a test, that I subsequently bombed. Win.

Friday night The Klapper took me out for dinner at the Harpoon Brewery and we closed the place down and then he stayed the night. Saturday there was a neat little Brewfest type deal that I went to. The beer wasn't so good, but we sat outside on a porch overlooking a sparkling lake on the first really nice day of the season. So, that was great. And Sunday morning The Klapper came by and we went to brunch at Jesse's. A good weekend for that boy - he's paying his dues.

The week was sort of a shit show. I am back on antibiotics because whatever I got sick with over New Years reappeared. Lovely, I know. Hopefully this takes care of things for good? This was also a crazy work week, but at least I proposed a great study idea to my adviser and maybe she doesn't think I'm a completely piece of shit. Just a partial piece of shit.

THIS weekend was AMAZING. Friday evening we lounged outside having drinks (not me, I'm on medicine) and then The Klapper and I had another lovely date night. Saturday I went to BOSTON. Normally I hate Boston. I have had terrible experiences with Boston. Marykate, however, changed my mind and showed me just how much fun it can be.


Boston:

2 pm: Arrived, got caught in a downpour, and got to her apartment where 4 of the 7 members of her family were hanging out. Okay. But they left relatively quickly and I enjoyed seeing all of them again.

3-5 pm: Hung around and caught up for a few hours and did much giggling.

6-7: Went and got AMAZING Thai food in Harvard Square (Spice) and then arrived early to hear David Sedaris do a reading.

7-10 pm: Surprisingly, he was there early to sign books so we got in line and actually got to have a neat little conversation with him while he drew and wrote strange things in our books. Marykate got a picture of a cat, and after learning about what I study he wrote "Picture a brain, with rust on it". He asked "do brains get rust on them?" and I said "I think that would be a cerebral hemorrhage." Oh, and then he reached into a bag of goodies and gave us a bottle of hotel lotion and a bar of soap. Oh David Sedaris.

The readings were great. He only read one piece from his published work and everything else was unpublished stories and excerpts from his diary over the course of his 38 city tour. Apparently at other stops, he had asked people to tell him jokes when they got their books signed, so he shared some of the best ones with us and couldn't help but laugh at most of them. Very cute.

I will admit that I sort of called out one of the punch lines to a joke he was telling (it was a favorite! it was reflex!), and at the end of the show he bitched about it for a moment. Oops. Sorry David! I love you!

10-10:30 pm: So we left David Sedaris and I realized that (a) my brother lives in Boston and (b) it was his birthday. Soooo...we met him and a bunch of his friends at Fajitas & Ritas and were just in time for cake. A cake with a great 30 Rock quote on it. Love. We took a nice picture to send to the parents so they believe their children actually like each other.

10:30-12:30 am: Then Marykate and I headed to Harvard Gardens to meet her friends. They were surprisingly delightful, we had a great time, and there was endless entertainment from douchebags who were going "all out" for the Derby.

12:30-2 am: So then we decided dancing needed to happen. We wandered to Faniel Hall, found the most ridiculous bar playing dance music, and had a blast dancing and taking shots with guys who graduated in 2010-2011. Such children! Had the most fun.

2-4 am: Wandered home, had some snacks, giggled.

A great night in Boston, for sure. We got up and had brunch in the South Side this morning, did a little shopping, and then my friend picked me up and we drove back to Hanover.

Overall, a great weekend and now I am totally fucked for the weekend. Price we pay for a brief glimpse at sanity, right?

My Neighbor Banged a Prostitute

I am like..100% sure.

So I was chained to my desk the entire weekend, which means I can hear all the conversations and goings-on around the outside and stairwells of my condo building.

The following made me giggle quite a lot.

Creepy Neighbor (oh phone): yup..just come up the road, take a right, you'll see a black Ford truck, that's mine, just go ahead and park next to that and I'm the first building...

***Flash forward 20 minutes***

Creepy Neighbor (opens door): Hi, great you found the place alright?

Girl: um..yeah...it..um..wasn't..hard to find at all. (read: super awkward)

***Flash forward 2 hours***

Creepy Neighbor: Okay well..um...great...and..ah...thanks for coming by...

Girl: Yeaaaahhhh.

Creepy Neighbor: So um, I guess...ahh..enjoy this beautiful weather.

Girl: Yeah, I will. You go enjoy your nap.

***I rush to the window, see her doing the head down shuffle back to her car that I know a bit too well***

So to sum, this chick who doesn't know where he lives or even what car he drives shows up on a Sunday afternoon, they are clearly awkward in their exchanges, she only stays 2 hours, they make no further plans upon her leaving, and he is going to take a nap.

What would you assume?

That's what I thought.

I wonder if this is what my the neighbors of my clients thought?