So I'm not even going to attempt to do a comprehensive post about the last 2 weeks, so here are a few highlights.
The Klapper: Saw him Friday on the way up to camp and managed to successfully navigate driving in Manhattan. Had a lovely, albeit brief visit, and I drove him to his parent's house in NJ Saturday morning - which was hilarious because his mom clearly did not know who I was ("this is my friend") but then saw us hug and kiss in the driveway which The Klapper did not see. I could already hear her saying "So...she seems nice" when I left. Giggle.
Camp: Insane, crazy, amazing, exhausting. So many damn seizures and a really bad mix of heat waves and epilepsy. BUT, soooo good to see everyone again and to have a week where I am actually around people who know me, and understand me, and appreciate me despite my oddities. Plus, I felt like I was really needed this year, which made me feel less bad about asking for a little money to pay for some of the gas. Plus, these kids are so fucking ridiculous...many memories that will make me giggle for months over how silly they are.
D.C. Also amazing. I need a different word for exhausted to describe how I felt when I got there (no sleep in NYC, and most nights at camp I was up until 2 am+ and then back awake at 7 am). So great to see Amanda and then having dinner with everyone at Clyde's. It's really nice to know that we can all be scattered about in our lives but when we get together it seems like nothing has changed. :). I hold onto that fact because I know that if I just can't deal with Dartmouth any longer, there is a home for me in D.C. should I return. Plus, we got to man-prowl around Rocket Bar which was great...I always enjoy prowling.
And then I drove back to CT for the night to have dinner with my brother and got back to Hanover Monday morning. I definitely had the expected mental breakdown on the way home and the numbness/depression upon returning. I really profoundly hate this place, and those sentiments are made that much more salient when I get to be around people who I love and who get me.
Also, y'all will be proud that I did not have any interactions with The Ex (Mr. Big), although he was certainly on my mind (especially upon learning a bit more about how badly the first ex took our breakup many years ago).
And so now I'm back to the grind. Desperately trying to get through this PhD in 2 more years and finding that everything is conspiring against me (bad data, bad adviser).
Just keep swimming....
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
A quick catch up
Last weekend was fun. Not too much to say but I wanted to write this real quick since it'll be a while once I go to D.C. for camp.
Friday: Was actually a great night. About 25 of us went to a AA baseball game in Manchester (Go Fishercatttttts!) and ate awesome ballpark food and got drrruunk. Awesome. We even got to sing for the 7th inning stretch as a big drunk group on the big screen.
Saturday: Was a beast at work and then we all did a bbq/campfire type deal. Also solid.
Sunday: I drove up to Killington and hiked to the peak with the parents and grandparents. Rather exhausting, but still great.
And this week I've been rushing to get work accomplished before I leave. I got an abstract submitted to a conference in D.C. in Nov, so hopefully I get that = free trip to D.C.
I was awarded a grant from the American Psychological Association today, which was awesome. The dollar amount isn't so spectacular ($1,000), but it means I can pay the subjects for a study AND it looks great on my CV.
And..since I have recently found a possible way that would allow me to get out of this program in 4 years (not easy, but it's at least a possibility), I need to start beefing up the CV so I can approach someone for a job after 4 years and say "Yes I could have stayed longer and done more work, but I wanted to graduate, and look at just how much I did in those 4 years".
So that's about it. Oh, and I broke things off with Mr. Big (The Ex) for good, for realz, for final, end of story, nothing more, no more calls, no more gchat, no more sex. It was unfathomably painful, but it was time to stop leading him on.
So that's the story. Excited as hell to head to camp next week, and see all my DC people next Saturday, and possibly even fit in a Klapper visit on the way down.
Friday: Was actually a great night. About 25 of us went to a AA baseball game in Manchester (Go Fishercatttttts!) and ate awesome ballpark food and got drrruunk. Awesome. We even got to sing for the 7th inning stretch as a big drunk group on the big screen.
Saturday: Was a beast at work and then we all did a bbq/campfire type deal. Also solid.
Sunday: I drove up to Killington and hiked to the peak with the parents and grandparents. Rather exhausting, but still great.
And this week I've been rushing to get work accomplished before I leave. I got an abstract submitted to a conference in D.C. in Nov, so hopefully I get that = free trip to D.C.
I was awarded a grant from the American Psychological Association today, which was awesome. The dollar amount isn't so spectacular ($1,000), but it means I can pay the subjects for a study AND it looks great on my CV.
And..since I have recently found a possible way that would allow me to get out of this program in 4 years (not easy, but it's at least a possibility), I need to start beefing up the CV so I can approach someone for a job after 4 years and say "Yes I could have stayed longer and done more work, but I wanted to graduate, and look at just how much I did in those 4 years".
So that's about it. Oh, and I broke things off with Mr. Big (The Ex) for good, for realz, for final, end of story, nothing more, no more calls, no more gchat, no more sex. It was unfathomably painful, but it was time to stop leading him on.
So that's the story. Excited as hell to head to camp next week, and see all my DC people next Saturday, and possibly even fit in a Klapper visit on the way down.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Magical Fairytale NYC Post
I know this is a bit delayed, but I suppose I've been processing the emotions and wasn't quite ready until now.
So Friday I went to visit The Klapper in NYC. Bus was obviously delayed, but I got in and met up with the lovely and talented Ms. Caitlin for amazing thai food and girl talk. The Klapper ended up getting into the city the same time I did (he was supposed to get in well after me because he was on a company rafting trip in Massachusetts, but again, delayed bus). He surprised us at the thai restaurant and it felt so amazing to see him again after 5 weeks. So amazing. The three of us dropped my stuff off at his place and then went and got a drink at a local place (sidenote: I wore running clothes on the bus, so I walked into the thai restaurant wearing those and carrying luggage and a backpack, walked out of the bathroom in a cute blue dress and heels and then sat on my luggage in the middle of the fancy restaurant to get my backpack to fit. Classy --> this guy).
Drinks were awesome, he and Caitlin totally got along and she told me later that he was cute, not at all awkward, and seemed very into me. Awww.
So we said goodbye to Caitlin because it was clear neither The Klapper or I could possibly go another minute without having sex. So we did. And FUCK it was good. Always that awkward when you're in a tiny NYC apartment with several other roomates, but I seriously couldn't hold back.
Saturday we slept in late and rolled around in bed. I had a great awkward encounter with his gay roomate while I was in a towel, and then we were off for a lovely brunch and plans to go to the zoo in Central Park. Turns out the line for zoo tickets was easily an hour+ wait, so we ended up just wandering around the park and chatting for 5 or 6 hours. Now keep in mind, we had never spent anywhere near this much time together, so it was such a relief that we could just talk and be happy. Plus, I got to hear all about his past relationships (5) and it basically turns out that everything that didn't work with is past girlfriends (bad in bed, bad with money, stupid, no opinion or goals, not attractive) are my very bestest strong suits (prideful? nah..I just know my strengths). I also appreciate that the most recent ex was terrible in bed. LOVE that comparison effect. So yeah, we wandered and at some point just curled up together on a bench, and were watching the scenary off the beaten path, and he looked over and said "I have never felt this relaxed...ever...in my life..I'm so happy you're here." Swoon.
So his friends texted earlier in the afternoon and asked if they could come into the city and hang out with us. The Klapper was worried it would ruin our romantic evening, but I was like "FUCK THAT, I am dying to meet your friends". So we made plans to get dinner with them at 9 that night.
We got back from the park, showered, fucked (oh god so good), and then did a "nice bar hop" - basically went to super fancy amazing cocktail places with like 56 specialty cocktails with 30 insane ingredients (love those places) while we waited for his friends. One awkward comment at this point. We were sitting and chatting and somehow the fact that we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive this summer came up and he said "well, I assume that if you slept with someone else you would tell me to wear a condom until you got tested." Fuck. By then we had slept together several times, so I wasn't going to be like "oh right, funny story...". Oh well, must get tested at some point anyway.
Okay so 9 pm, his friends show up and we grab pizza and beer and we all hit it off instantly. They are so fun, not at all like his Tuck friends that he doesn't let me meet anyway, and it was clear I was a bit hit with them. After pizza..well, let me back up. His friends are big car guys. They love cars, love speed, work with cars..blah blah. So his friend had a brand new crazy car that could go 0-60 mph in 4 seconds. OBVIOUSLY we had to check this out, and there were a bunch of other friends at a beer garden in Queens, so we drove out that way and had a total blast.
The beer garden was also amazing - who knew they could fit that type of things in NYC? More friends, more awesome, a totally great night. The type where you plan to be home by 11 pm but then realize it's 2:30 am and you've been having too much fun to notice.
So this sounds good so far yeah? I clearly had to go and get complicated. Perhaps it was the drinking, but at one point it hit me "Wow, this is amazing, we are perfect for each other and I really like this guy.....and he won't even let me be his girlfriend." I wasn't going to say anything, but he read the sadness in my eyes. We were off at the end of a picnic table and his friends were in a heated debate about cars, so we had a little side conversation. I can't really recall it verbatim, but it was sort of this tragic back and forth where it was clear we both are so into each other "him to me: you are the most amazing girl, I admire you so much, I think we are a perfect match, and you make me so happy", FOLLOWED by "but I just don't know how to deal with the fact that you are going to be stuck in Hanover for 2 years after I graduate, BUT, you have to know I am thinking about this. A lot. I think about this and you all the time. And you need to know that."
So right, I don't know what to make of that conversation. He digs me but is super logical about things (how I should be), while I'm stuck with my "feelings". Curses.
So we went back, and crazy 3 am slightly drunk animal sex, and then the next morning it was time for us to grab a quick breakfast and get back on the bus. And I was very sad. And I suppose, I still am very sad, but also happy that the weekend was so magical. It seems like I need to just try to stay the course, give him room to run, and let him come around to realize that a life without me might just suck balls. In the meantime, it helps me a lot to know that he does seem to think about me and our future as much as I do.
So that was the weekend. Got back to Hanover, felt the usual depression, came in 3rd in a hot dog eating contest on the 4th of July (2 hotdogs behind the winner!), and have been keeping myself busy with work, softball, dinner parties. Ya know.
And since everyone has asked the question "so how did you leave things?" I have to respond that I have no idea. We don't have any plans again to see each other this summer, but I'm also basically gone until August, so my plan is to send him a naughty video when I get back from D.C. and make him think "oh damn...I need to get me this girl now".
Speak of D.C. I will be there come Friday the 15th, but only for summer camp. And will hopefully be able to see some of you and avoid sleeping with my ex. Wonderbar!
So Friday I went to visit The Klapper in NYC. Bus was obviously delayed, but I got in and met up with the lovely and talented Ms. Caitlin for amazing thai food and girl talk. The Klapper ended up getting into the city the same time I did (he was supposed to get in well after me because he was on a company rafting trip in Massachusetts, but again, delayed bus). He surprised us at the thai restaurant and it felt so amazing to see him again after 5 weeks. So amazing. The three of us dropped my stuff off at his place and then went and got a drink at a local place (sidenote: I wore running clothes on the bus, so I walked into the thai restaurant wearing those and carrying luggage and a backpack, walked out of the bathroom in a cute blue dress and heels and then sat on my luggage in the middle of the fancy restaurant to get my backpack to fit. Classy --> this guy).
Drinks were awesome, he and Caitlin totally got along and she told me later that he was cute, not at all awkward, and seemed very into me. Awww.
So we said goodbye to Caitlin because it was clear neither The Klapper or I could possibly go another minute without having sex. So we did. And FUCK it was good. Always that awkward when you're in a tiny NYC apartment with several other roomates, but I seriously couldn't hold back.
Saturday we slept in late and rolled around in bed. I had a great awkward encounter with his gay roomate while I was in a towel, and then we were off for a lovely brunch and plans to go to the zoo in Central Park. Turns out the line for zoo tickets was easily an hour+ wait, so we ended up just wandering around the park and chatting for 5 or 6 hours. Now keep in mind, we had never spent anywhere near this much time together, so it was such a relief that we could just talk and be happy. Plus, I got to hear all about his past relationships (5) and it basically turns out that everything that didn't work with is past girlfriends (bad in bed, bad with money, stupid, no opinion or goals, not attractive) are my very bestest strong suits (prideful? nah..I just know my strengths). I also appreciate that the most recent ex was terrible in bed. LOVE that comparison effect. So yeah, we wandered and at some point just curled up together on a bench, and were watching the scenary off the beaten path, and he looked over and said "I have never felt this relaxed...ever...in my life..I'm so happy you're here." Swoon.
So his friends texted earlier in the afternoon and asked if they could come into the city and hang out with us. The Klapper was worried it would ruin our romantic evening, but I was like "FUCK THAT, I am dying to meet your friends". So we made plans to get dinner with them at 9 that night.
We got back from the park, showered, fucked (oh god so good), and then did a "nice bar hop" - basically went to super fancy amazing cocktail places with like 56 specialty cocktails with 30 insane ingredients (love those places) while we waited for his friends. One awkward comment at this point. We were sitting and chatting and somehow the fact that we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive this summer came up and he said "well, I assume that if you slept with someone else you would tell me to wear a condom until you got tested." Fuck. By then we had slept together several times, so I wasn't going to be like "oh right, funny story...". Oh well, must get tested at some point anyway.
Okay so 9 pm, his friends show up and we grab pizza and beer and we all hit it off instantly. They are so fun, not at all like his Tuck friends that he doesn't let me meet anyway, and it was clear I was a bit hit with them. After pizza..well, let me back up. His friends are big car guys. They love cars, love speed, work with cars..blah blah. So his friend had a brand new crazy car that could go 0-60 mph in 4 seconds. OBVIOUSLY we had to check this out, and there were a bunch of other friends at a beer garden in Queens, so we drove out that way and had a total blast.
The beer garden was also amazing - who knew they could fit that type of things in NYC? More friends, more awesome, a totally great night. The type where you plan to be home by 11 pm but then realize it's 2:30 am and you've been having too much fun to notice.
So this sounds good so far yeah? I clearly had to go and get complicated. Perhaps it was the drinking, but at one point it hit me "Wow, this is amazing, we are perfect for each other and I really like this guy.....and he won't even let me be his girlfriend." I wasn't going to say anything, but he read the sadness in my eyes. We were off at the end of a picnic table and his friends were in a heated debate about cars, so we had a little side conversation. I can't really recall it verbatim, but it was sort of this tragic back and forth where it was clear we both are so into each other "him to me: you are the most amazing girl, I admire you so much, I think we are a perfect match, and you make me so happy", FOLLOWED by "but I just don't know how to deal with the fact that you are going to be stuck in Hanover for 2 years after I graduate, BUT, you have to know I am thinking about this. A lot. I think about this and you all the time. And you need to know that."
So right, I don't know what to make of that conversation. He digs me but is super logical about things (how I should be), while I'm stuck with my "feelings". Curses.
So we went back, and crazy 3 am slightly drunk animal sex, and then the next morning it was time for us to grab a quick breakfast and get back on the bus. And I was very sad. And I suppose, I still am very sad, but also happy that the weekend was so magical. It seems like I need to just try to stay the course, give him room to run, and let him come around to realize that a life without me might just suck balls. In the meantime, it helps me a lot to know that he does seem to think about me and our future as much as I do.
So that was the weekend. Got back to Hanover, felt the usual depression, came in 3rd in a hot dog eating contest on the 4th of July (2 hotdogs behind the winner!), and have been keeping myself busy with work, softball, dinner parties. Ya know.
And since everyone has asked the question "so how did you leave things?" I have to respond that I have no idea. We don't have any plans again to see each other this summer, but I'm also basically gone until August, so my plan is to send him a naughty video when I get back from D.C. and make him think "oh damn...I need to get me this girl now".
Speak of D.C. I will be there come Friday the 15th, but only for summer camp. And will hopefully be able to see some of you and avoid sleeping with my ex. Wonderbar!
Friday, July 1, 2011
I'm So Excited!
I'm bouncing off my freaking chair! I cannot wait to see Caitlin tonight and catch up and eat amazing Thai food. AND I get to see the Klapper tonight, and have great sex, and spend the entire weekend with him AND not doing work. It's amazing!
Plus, I'm keeping to my deadlines and got a full draft of a manuscript done and submitted today for my adviser to tear apart and make me feel worthless. But hey, a terrible draft is better than no draft, right?
EXCITED!
Plus, I'm keeping to my deadlines and got a full draft of a manuscript done and submitted today for my adviser to tear apart and make me feel worthless. But hey, a terrible draft is better than no draft, right?
EXCITED!
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