Creeper Update

I was beginning to think maybe the creeper had given up, but today I got yet another message which said "Hey, how's it going? Let's make out! And maybe we could get a drink too."

But this time there was about a month in between messages, so that's improvement. Perhaps this will be the last of them?

Weekend Recount + FUCKKKKKKK + Awkward Klapper moment

So the weekend was great but totally boozy. Friday night we did a happy hour, which turned into dinner + scorpion bowls, which lead to a bar night where we got sucked into a bachelor party. It was super fun, but ever since turning 27 I've found that nights where I drink a lot I tend to fall asleep quickly and then wake up at 4 am and have tons of energy and legs that want to bounce around. Annoying.

So I was up super early Saturday, running errands, doing work, etc. Saturday was our semi-formal, so we threw a big pre-party and started drinking at 6 pm. We got to the actual party an hour late, but it was outside in a tent and it was somehow 85 degrees with 95% humidity, which was awful. They turned the fog machines on and it actually became hell. So they ran out out of booze 45 minutes later and we went back to having our own party. Finished up the night with pizza and more bonding with all the new grad students.

Sunday was a mess of work. Another night of drunk sleep meant up by 6 am, at work by 9:30 am, and I was running around madly trying to do work until about 8 pm. Busy ass Sunday.


You may be thinking "what was that in the title about FUCKKKKKKK"? So you may recall that in May the senior grad student in our lab left. Well, the other grad student told me last night that he is also leaving (switching labs, ironically to my old adviser). I have no ill will towards him, I think it was the right choice, but OMG I am so FUCKED. Our lab is fucked. It's all fucked. This like...triples my workload, is going to send my adviser into a depression spiral, and virtually guarantees she doesn't get tenure (in part b/c now it is only my papers that can go towards her tenure, and also b/c she doesn't have a functional lab which looks terrible). I was definitely trying to get outta here in 4 years, but now I have no choice. She comes up for tenure next December, she'll find out in April-ish....I probably need to be set to graduate in May.

Is anyone surprised that I find myself in a somewhat unique and totally fucked position? Didn't think so.

And finally, The Klapper. He's been really sweet lately and I don't know how to handle it. I spent a year putting up these big heavy walls, and now I just don't know what to do when he says things that are sweet. An example you say? Oh sure.

So we were having sex this evening, and he's looking at me really intensely and he goes to say what I think was probably "you are so beautiful"..but I cut him off at "you" and said "god I'm so fucking sweaty". Romance!!!

So a few minutes later he finally said it, and then reached up and brushed my cheek and said "I am such a lucky guy".

I was so thrown by this that I froze, shrugged, said thank you....paused WAY too long...and said "I'm um...kinda lucky...ish...too". And then made an awkward face and apologized. And felt kinda sad because I realized how tragic that exchange was.

Fail.

He laughed.

But seriously, fail. I'm so broken. But at the same time - we still aren't boyfriend/girlfriend (not that I've asked, but I will never ask that question again), so I don't really know where to go with things like that. Rabble rabble.

and you thought NH was boring....

I was attending a condo board meeting on Wednesday and, per usual, the president of the board (no longer lives here, still gives a shit about this condo association, very confusing to me) was babbling on and on about stuff nobody cares about. The issue is that she is the only one who cares enough to look over budgets and write-up documents, etc., so we all put up with her crazy. Oh, did I mentioned she is a doctor (as in M.D.) at Dartmouth hospital? Okay, so she is a doctor at the hospital who also does research on rats and cigarette smoking.

I needed to talk to the property manager at the end of the meeting about a building code issue, so I was super annoyed when we spent the last 25 minutes of the meeting listening to the crazy president tell us to watch Pan Am on ABC on Sundays...b/c she was a flight attendant for 18 years...and it changed her life..and she has SO many stories about it. SHUT UP.

So I get my question in, I go to leave, and she corners me:

Crazy: Hey, how is your research going?

Me: Blah blah qualifying exam, term starting..blah blah.

Crazy: So I remember you telling me before that you basically get to work on whatever research projects you're interested in, right?

Me: yup.

Crazy: So, I wanted to talk to you about some research projects I've been looking to collaborate on. I think I've talked to you about the first project already, but I'm really interested in how the brain changes when people do compassionate meditation.

Me: Yeah, I really, truly have no interest in that (to be fair, a lot of people do care about that research, I'm just not one of them).

Crazy: Okay cool, so the other project...so..I know you're going to think this is crazy, but I really am not crazy. I see auras.

Me: (silence)

Crazy: I don't see them all the time, and I only see them on certain people when they are meditating. And on plants. And on grass. I think this is a neuroscience question.

Me: (silence)....sigh...

Crazy: I think it could perhaps involve the polarization of light off the person while they are meditating, because it stops as soon as the person stops meditating.

Me: sigh..okay..well maybe that's a visual perception of physics question?

Crazy: Maybe, but I really think this is a neuroscience question.

I eventually bullshitted the name of someone I would check with who might be interested in this kind of research question, while I said "we need to walk and talk..walk and talk".

Where the fuck do these people come from?

The next evening, I was driving up towards my condo around 10:30 pm and saw a man walking down the street with a 7-8 year-old girl holding one hand, and 1/2 full bottle of Jack Daniels in the other hand.

NH is really magic.

Don't ask and ye shall receive

Saw the Klapper last night and was mildly amused by the fact that the less I ask for things, the more he does what I would have wanted.

We have both been absolutely nuts these past few weeks, and I've been completely exhausted (fuck you people above me!), so I haven't been pushing for us to spend much time together or really wanting anything past a booty call.

So last night we were together and he looked up and said "Can we go on a date sometime soon? I miss doing that?" I guarantee that this would never have happened if I had asked for it. Love it.

Last weekend before the crazy hits

This was supposed to be the last weekend before classes start up and the google calendar begins looking absolutely insane again...supposed to be.

Friday afternoon I headed up to Ludlow to spend the night at the Okemo condo with the parents to relax. The drive took insanely long because a lot of the main roads in VT got washed out (stupid Irene), but we had the most lovely dinner (economic stimulus), I got laundry done, and we stayed up chatting until 1 am.

Saturday we hiked up Stratton mountain bright and early (up at 7 am - stupid lack of curtains), and it actually wasn't that bad (compared to running up Okemo) and got to culminate with a delicious lunch in the village at the bottom. Then we drove 50 min back to the condo, I took a shower, collected up laundry, and drove 1.5 hours up to Tunbridge to attend the most awkward departmental gathering in the history of awkward departmental gatherings.

So, we get an email (hidden recipients list..ewl) on Thursday saying "the weather on Saturday will be great", with a link to a website. Apparently, a faculty member in our department was hosting a music festival on his 50-acre home. And yes, he had purchased a .org that contained directions, schedule, band info, etc. So strange.

To make matters worse, absolutely nobody was in town this weekend. This is bad for 2 reasons: (1) there was nobody to drag along to this and (2) the faculty member put a ton of time and money into this event so they were pushing people to come/guilt tripping.

So I was completely exhausted from hiking up the mountain, and the professors' house was the most incredibly remote location imaginable (although interestingly, you pass the birthplace of Joseph Smith to get there). After 20 minutes along an increasingly narrow and winding dirt road, I finally show up and there is like..nobody there. I had purposely made sure my friend was leaving earlier than I was..but she's also the least timely human being imaginable, so I knew she was at least another 30 minutes away. I awkwardly crossed this enormous lawn and found the only people I could imagine talking to (two new first year graduate students) and just sat down and had a beer and tried to remind myself that I had a valid reason to leave in 2 hours to go babysit.

And it was a long 2 hours. The faculty members and graduate students used to be uncomfortably friendly in our department, but some paradigm shift a year or two back ended all that, so now interactions with the few faculty members who were there was incredibly awkward. The rest of the crowd was members of the bands, friends of the bands, or family friends of the professor. Not really people who were interested in making conversation with a new person.

I got out of there at 6, raced home, put my laundry away/made my bed in 12 minutes, and then had an exhausting night of babysitting. It's a bad sign when you arrive at 7, you know the kids need to be in bed by 7:30, and they both come running down the stairs in their Halloween costumes, screaming. Parents got home at 11, and then The Klapper came over at 11:30 so we could fit in a bootycall. And then I passed out at 1:30 and it was fantastic.

This morning I blissfully slept in until 11 am (haven't done that in months) and have sat on my ass watching Law & Order the entire day. More babysitting at 4 this afternoon....I'm just going to take it easy until then and maybe try to get some work done this evening after I get home.

Overall, not the most relaxing weekend, but there were definitely highlights. This week will be busy but also very fun, and will involve SO much free food (hooray orientation week!). Oh right...and so much work! Classes start Wednesday and I already have to give a lecture on Friday. Prepare for lots of "I am crazy and not making sense" posts this term.

Seriously? What the fuck am I doing?

Why am I such a screw up about men (yes, I'm a little drunk writing this post)?

So, the Klapper has been trying really hard to be good to me. Now granted, his trying hard = what a normal person should do..but fine. Last night, I even brought up how I wanted to hang out with him at parties and stuff, and his response was "I never even thought about that...but yes, I'm going to try to find more stuff to bring you to"..which is pathetic, but is an improvement from "oh man...can we not talk about this?"

So....why was I making out with someone in the parking lot outside The Cave (favorite cave-themed restaurant ever) tonight? Not just someone, the same guy who 2 years ago I made out with in a bathroom and then, as I was walking out of the bathroom said "Quick question? Do you want to give me a blowjob?". Allow me to explain.

I was on Facebook and this guy Facebook chatted me (who does that?). It happened to be perfect timing, because I was driving back from the gym and thinking "oh good, tonight is Project Runway/ Futurama night....sigh...remember when you had a boyfriend/friends and you never watched TV because you were having a life?" So in this way, it was perfect timing because I was wanting to go out on a Thursday and prove to myself that I'm still cool and capable of having fun.

So we went to an Irish pub in Lebanon, and had a really fun time. Conversation was flowing very easily and naturally, and I even brought up the blow job request from 2 years ago (which was a priceless reaction). And then...I don't know...he was really attracted to me...and I was having trouble getting The Klapper to commit to plans for the weekend..and making out just felt right. Especially once we moved to a karaoke/cave-themed bar. It was clear to me that he wanted to take me home and fuck me, so I'm proud that I didn't do that, but I'm still thinking "what the fuck are you doing?" It's so tragic to me that at this point, I'm not even sure if what I am doing even counts as cheating.

Sigh..more to come.

Prepare to be SHOCKED

First and most important news: I PASSED MY QUALIFIER!!!!!

You may recall part one was that evil 7 day exam. Well part two was even worse, and involved preparing an NIH-type grant that you then present and defend in front of a committee of faculty members.

So really, the test is if you can handle getting your insides ripped out of you by faculty members for a few hours. Apparently I can.

So that is a giant relief and meant I got to wake up for the first time in over a month without feeling overwhelming panic.

Second, The Klapper has not sucked massively.

So, we had the most lovely few days when he stayed with me. He's still very much The Klapper, but he made time for me, and said "no" to other things people asked him to do when we already had plans. And we had the first actual date night we've ever had - nice dinner out, came back and watched a movie. Most of you are thinking "you've...you've never watched a movie together?". Nope. But now we have :)

Oh right, and the sex. HOLY GOD it's some good sex. New bed has made a big difference.

So Thursday morning he was leaving and said something along the lines of "this has been great, thank you for letting me stay with you, and just..ya know...now I need to move in and I want to see friends so I just need..some time..so I just want to manage your expectations that I probably won't see you for a few days". Okay. I appreciate that he is trying to communicate about these things.

And at this point, I was totally fine with not hearing from him until Monday or Tuesday. But then, Friday morning, he sends me a text. And we texted all day Friday. And then Saturday. And Sunday morning I woke up thinking "It would be nice to see him tomorrow after my presentation. Or..better yet, I could really use some stress relief tonight...but I won't ask him for that."

So then Sunday he is like "hey, I was thinking maybe I could see you tomorrow night to celebrate?". Aww..mindreading! So I said sure and we agreed on plans, and then he was like "how are you feeling about the presentation?". And I said something like "HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK". And then he offered to come over and listen to my presentation and give me feedback. How sweet is that?

And he actually did! And his feedback was great and he really helped me put together a solid presentation.

And then he emailed and texted all day to see how I was doing / how it went.

So, I'm sure this is a rare and random occurrence, but I appreciate that he was around when I needed the support most.

So other than that, I'm trying to do a little relaxing and get back to the grind of doing real work. All for now.

Short Post real tired

I've been bad about updating - this crazy grant I've been killing myself over was due Monday (I got it in Sunday) and I need to present and defend it next Monday (the 12th). Eek. Consequently, this weekend was mostly staying home to work and getting up at 9 am to go into work.

But, Saturday I went out for a friend's b-day party (uneventful).

And Monday, I went to a great Labor Day party/Lobster Bake that got totally rained out but we had a blast. I am realizing that sometimes going to parties where I don't really know anyone might just be what I need to meet new people. So, there were a few boys that caught my eye last night..I plan to follow up at a leisurely pace. And also follow up when I'm not wearing mesh shorts and a tie-dye shirt (came prepared for slip n' slide).

And then there is The Klapper. In true fashion, after asking if he could come stay with me Tuesday night (he's heading back up to school but his new place is under construction), he calls today at 1:30 to say he doesn't know when he's coming. Because he doesn't want to load up his car in the rain (smart boy - it's going to rain for the next 3 days!). Annoying. Why do I always allow myself to imagine he might come through on things, and then use this excitement as motivation? Stupid girl.

So, he said if he didn't call by 5, he wasn't coming. So he called at 4:45, after I had wrapped my mind around him NOT coming. So..now he's going to hit all the respective rush hours and get here...who knows. Midnight? I should mention that the landlord of the place above me never put in carpet like she said she would, so the people above me have gotten me up at 6:30 am the last 2 days.

I'm just a bucket of sunshine right now. If the sex sucks, I'm definitely kicking this asshole out so I can sleep..until 6:30 am.