Shitty

So I haven't posted in forever, I just haven't really felt like it. I think part of the issue is that I don't have anything exciting to talk about (and comeon, nobody wants to hear about a romantic weekend with The Klapper), and the other issue is that everything just kinda sucks, and that makes me not really want to write about it.

So in the win column, The Klapper has been great. We've spent a lot more time together, we talk everyday, I'm spending a lot more time with his friends who love me, and we're starting to talk about longer-term type stuff (like, not 5 years from now, but at least talking about the summer and stuff, which is progress). I'm also excited about upcoming trips to Boston in Chicago this month :)

In the loss column...everything else? That giant grant I submitted got rejected for administrative reasons so I never even got feedback. I submitted a paper in November and still haven't heard anything. Adviser still sucks and I'm realizing how much I would like to have a real mentor who could help me get my career on track and really focus my ideas with some guidance. Not to mention someone who has money so I could run some studies. I'm running tons of studies and feel like nothing is working out. And in general I just have no idea what I want to do with my life (I know, join the club, I know) - this whole experience at Dartmouth makes me feel like academia might just not be worth it, but I can't tell if that is just because I'm so miserable here. I'm also trying to figure out if I should focus on trying to get a job in D.C. where I have tons of connections, or in NYC where I might have a chance to make something work with The Klapper.

And finally, ya know...the people here just suck. Or at least, they all seem very happy and like these are people they want to be friends with for the rest of their life, and I feel like a total outsider. I think it's at the point where I would rather just stay home on a Friday night than be out with people who I feel like don't like me and don't get me. Everyone is so excited about St. Patrick's Day here, and I just can't even get my mind around it - it's drinking at the same bar, with the same people, telling the same stories - what is exciting about this?!? I'm running away to Boston, but I know that I can't run away for the next year, and I also know that the few good friends and social support people I have here will be leaving. I just am really dreading everything right now.

So yeah, that is why I haven't been posting. Maybe these trips away will make things better (I did feel pretty pumped after spending an awesome week skiing with Kirstin and Chris), or I will finally have one measly check to add to the academic win column. But for now, I simply say "rabble".

And yeah I know..wah wah my life is so hard. I know I live an easy and charmed life, but being "first world problem" miserable is still a valid emotion.